I feel so unpredictable in my moods lately. I felt a lot more stable for awhile but, now I'm second guessing most decisions (in both my writing and my personal life) and, well, shit, you guys.
Something about me that hasn't changed in 27 years: I'm a very social introvert.
|Hemingway in a bathtub. Because bathtub.|
I love meeting new people and I am a natural conversationalist. If I'm at the park with my kids, I'll talk to the mom standing next to me pushing her kids on the swings. I love hearing how people speak, and seeing them talk about things that excite them.
I guess you could say that I'm not shy, but occasionally guarded. I'd even go as far as to say, that I come off very confident and outgoing. The introvert that lurks inside of me is not on the forefront of my personality.
I'm not easy to keep in touch with. I disappear off of people's radar for months at a time. I know it's nothing to be proud of and that it's actually quite a terrible trait-- but there are less than a handful of people outside of my husband, kids and mother that I talk to on a weekly basis. Luckily, most of my friends now realize this fact and, most importantly respect this.
I get very defensive when people assume I'm mad at them because we haven't spoke in awhile. When this happens, I often distance myself from the friendship because I know that I will continue to disappoint them. Between taking care of my kids, maintaining a household, serving 3 meals a day, finding time to write, and spending time with the Lord-- entire weeks will pass by and I'll be completely unaware of it.
Does this make me selfish? I hope not. I'm hoping it means I'm easily distracted? And that maybe you find me endearing? TELL ME I'M ENDEARING! *pleads*
I do know that I'm a person people can count on for emotional support. I'm always there for the people that need it. I'm actually kind of a dumping ground for people's frustrations and problems. It must be in my gifting, having the ability to make people feel comfortable enough to reveal their fears, pain, demons-- but, HOLY COW YOU GUYS. It sometimes makes my heart so heavy that I walk around in a raincloud for days-- my soul gets so weighted down from the rainwater!
Maybe that's where the manic comes in?
Can any of you relate to this? Or am I completely crazy? Or maybe you can relate to this, and are also crazy and therefore we are both nuts? Should we just have coffee and pretend everything is normal?