Poems, Submission Call & a Quote

I keep starting blog posts and not finishing them, so I'm just going to share that I recently had 2 poems put out into the world:

You can read and watch a video of my poem, "I'm Supposed to Cry on Thursday" at The Screaming Sheep.

My poem, "We're All Born into this Purple Friday Night Chaos" is on page 21 of Peacheslitmag.

Lastly, you can read the most recent issue of Dirty Chai here: I'm super proud of the fiction in this issue.  The issue, in my opinion, is the best collection yet, but since I'm editing the fiction: READ ALL THE FICTION IT IS SO GOOD.

Also, Dirty Chai is open to submissions for Issue Six.  It is a themed issue: ATLAS/STRUCTURE.  Head here for more info.

Basically if I haven't been doing mom/family stuff- I've been doing art stuff.  Which doesn't leave much time for blog stuff.

Please forgive me?

I recently read "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lammot and would like to leave you with this quote,

“Writing and reading decrease our sense of isolation. They deepen and widen and expand our sense of life: they feed the soul. When writers make us shake our heads with the exactness of their prose and their truths, and even make us laugh about ourselves or life, our buoyancy is restored. We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It's like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can't stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship.” 

If Your Reality is Mostly Virtual: You Are Doing it Wrong

For those of you who have followed my blogs over the years, or any of you that know me in person, you know that navigating social media has been something I've struggled with for a long time.  Social media makes me anxious (well, I have anxiety, so a lot things make me anxious, but social media tends to really make it flare up).  It brings out a judgmental side that I hate knowing resides within me ("How could they post something like that?").  There has been so many birds chirping lately, I feel like my brain is overrun with all of these words and little action.  My brain is melting into my keyboard, into my phone.  My brain is of utmost importance, I must save my brain.

So, now, how to navigate this virtual world without it interfering with my reality?  That right there folks, is the million dollar question.

I don't want to be glued to my smartphone.  I don't want to be gazing into the abyss tweeting my life away while my actual life is unfolding outside that glass screen.  I don't want to gawk at someone I know over-sharing and have a resounding, What the actual fuck, playing on repeat in my head.  I don't want to judge online personas and think, You are NOTHING like that in real life.

I keep deactivating & activating my Twitter & Facebook because I'm so torn on how to actually navigate this virtual world.  There is a large part of me that wants to run from it like the wind, but I also recognize the role it plays in today's modern world.  But, I'm just not a fan of this virtual reality. Maybe this is just me?  But, really, I have to say: If your reality is mostly virtual: you are doing it WRONG.

If you feel yourself getting defensive at that statement, you may have an addiction to the internet. I get it, it's a hard pill to swallow, but I assure you, if you have a thought and you do not tweet it, it is still an actual thought-- sharing it on Facebook doesn't make it at all more "real."  If anything, if you need someone to "like" a statement of yours in order to feel less alone, you are making yourself much more lonely in the process.

I believe I've shared this in the past, but it seems incredibly relevant:

The Innovation of Loneliness from Shimi Cohen on Vimeo.

You guys, we were created to socialize with other human beings.  Emailing and Facebook chatting does not substitute real life, actual face to face contact.  There is always a person to meet, a friend to make, no matter where you live or how "busy" you are- but you have to actually put your phone in your pocket, or turn off your laptop and get out into your community to meet these people.  Even the most introverted person needs to have "real life" friends that they socialize with on a regular basis.

I'm not saying that you can't have connections with people online.  There are a few people on the interweb that I've never met in my real life that seem pretty awesome.  But you know what?  If something life shattering were to happen right now, God forbid, a death of a loved one, a fire, you name it, these "virtual" friends will not be there to help glue me back together.  Chatting can only go so far, presenting each thought articulated to perfection via your keyboard will not bond you the way face to fave contact can.  What if something happened and the grid came to a startling hault and none of us could "log on?"  Where would you be?

Again, I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but your internet friends cannot and should not be your only friends.  If you are not meeting someone for coffee, or drinks, or readings, or gym time or something at least once a week: you are not living your life.

Heck, you may be doing some great things online; as a writer, myself and other writers included, one of our greatest strengths resides in our ability to convey the written word-- but that should not be the only way we are changing the world.  We should be changing the world with our actions as well.  We should be knee deep in our community, we should be living our lives.

I know this sounds preachy and I'm sorry for that, but this just seems like such a necessary message.

Social Media, the internet, it can be psychologically dangerous.  I am going on year three (maybe it's year four?) of being cyber-stalked/cyber-harassed by an individual I met in my college years-- I know they check my various social media profiles because they will accidentally repin something from Pinterest & quickly delete it, or they will follow a friend of mine on Twitter that they have absolutely no connection to, or even follow and unfollow me (that is before I blocked them), and a few months ago I received an anonymous message via this blog, advising me to keep my various profiles private because this person checks everything I do almost compulsively.

Um, yeah, that stresses me out.  I've wasted more energy than I'm proud to admit, more tears to my husband than I ever should have to spare on something so ridiculous, because social media platforms have opened up up this Pandora's box of infinite access.  I can't count how many times I've felt like I need to shut down all of my accounts because of that person; knowing that there is someone out there who does not like me, judging everything that I do.  It isn't a good feeling.

But, it brings me back to what I spoke about before, how many times have I rolled my eyes at what people have posted to Facebook, people I actually like?  So, really, as long as we have the internet, there will be an enhanced sin of judgement.

As long as we have the internet, we will run the chance of becoming too engrossed in our virtual realities, missing the real life happening outside of the screen.

As long as we have the internet, we will have a platform that allows us to present a version of ourselves that is highly edited.

In this digital age, we have to be aware of how much we are tuning out our world in order to tune into our screens.  In this digital age we have to understand that true authentic relationships cannot exist solely in a chat-box.  In this digital age we have to practice restraint in our curiosity. In this digital age we have to be aware of our intentions.

Intentionality is crucial to balancing social media, how you use it and to what ends it has control over your life.

What are your intentions when navigating social media?  How much of your life is spent online?  I think as the first generation to be navigating this virtual reality, it is crucial that we ask ourselves these questions and answer them honestly.

“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” -Jefferson Bethke

Thanksgiving Post

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Melody Beattie

Though it is easy to remember all of the darkness in this fallen world of ours, I choose to see light breaking through each crevice.  I love life.  I love my life.  I have been beyond blessed with an incredible husband, beautiful family and more friends than I can count.  If even one thing in my story had been altered, I may not be where I am or who I am today.

& a small list of a few luxuries I am thankful for:

-Prairie Lakes Church: our Pastors, our Church-family, small group & all the ministries (FX, The Grove, MOPS) that bring so much into our lives

-my red mini-van

-near boiling hot showers

-an abundance of coffee

-my bookshelves overflowing with titles

-the moments when my children care for & love on one another

-my King-sized bed

-the way my husband smells after a shower

I could fill notebook upon notebook for all of the things I am thankful for, but this seems sufficient for now.

Happy Thanksgiving.  Be well.  Be grateful.  Be the light.

My Life *is* Living Art

Yesterday morning, I sat with my 2 youngest kids in bed and watched music videos for about a half an hour.  With a newborn, I haven't had much time alone.  Ideally, I'd like to wake up in the morning before the kids wake and get some time in the bible while I drink some coffee and then spend time doing a bit of writing (or reading submissions for Dirty Chai).  But, due to the whole nursing-a-3-week-old-and-getting-up-a-few-times-a-night-thing, waking up early and getting any type of focused morning time hasn't really been an option.  Not to mention, Eva and Abram both usually wake up before 7am (Can one of my children please like to sleep in?  No?  Fiiiiiiiine.) so morning "alone time" is limited to inhumanely early conditions.  (My husband on the other hand gets up at the crack of dawn 80% of the time- I really admire this quality in him.  For me?  The struggle is real.)

Anyway, as I was sitting there watching art in the form of music, I had this thought:

There is so much art that I want to make.
But, so many hours of my day are spent not making art.

I hate to admit it, but that makes me sad in many ways.  Sad isn't a great word to use.  Maybe more so, embarrassingly, it makes me unsatisfied and  feel a bit like a fraud.  How can I be a writer/identify myself as a writer when I'm not freaking writing?

But, then God spoke these words into my heart:

You are making art every day just by living.

Are there a million projects I want to finish?  (And start!) YES.  But, it's just not the season of life I'm in.  Just because I haven't published a book yet (I'm being optimistic here), does that mean I'm not a writer?  NO.

Right now, the most important thing I can be doing is living my life and being a good mother. It is through accepting this and listening to God that I know I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  I am being pruned and disciplined and, with all honesty, I'm very thankful for that.  God has put these three little lives in my hands for a reason.  I have much to teach them and I need to take care of them.  That is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Does that mean I give up on my art?  My dreams?  NO FREAKING WAY.

But, it does mean that I need to have patience with myself.  It means that I need to be on God's time and not on my own.  It means that I need to use each day to grow myself and my children before I worry about my own "to-do" list.

I will write when I have the time.  And, some days there will be more time than others and that is great.  But, I'm not going to let the days where I feel like there is no time, allow me to feel sad, unsatisfied, or like I'm not a real writer.  I'm going to see this life and this season for what it is: living art.  My life is my art and the art that God has created in me.  And, that is pretty freaking awesome.

Our Weekend : Easter

Happy Monday everyone!

For those of you that celebrated this last weekend, I hope you had a great Easter!

Ours was super busy and I realized I took no photos.  Well, I did take this one of us at Culver's sharing some ice-cream before the Good Friday Service:

The service was good, but just too loud/busy.  I do realize that walking out of church, especially on Good Friday, when we are commemorating the slaughter of the lamb- that we shouldn't necessarily feel too great.  But, I also think that the Crucifixion is an incredible time to be in self-reflection and to be in of mourning the the unfortunate barbaric tendencies of human nature.

Think of humanity 2000 years ago.  Jesus was not the only man to be subjected to such a cruel and disgusting form of punishment.  Jesus was killed, at the hands of man, in the most barbaric, despicable and inhumane way that was possible that they had 2000 years ago.

Can you imagine?  People nailed other people to a cross.  We may not do that exact same thing today- but we as humans have equally disturbing ways of slaughtering, murdering, inflicting pain on one another.

What a contrast of words v. image of my smiling family enjoying ice-cream and then discussing human cruelty.  But, alas- that is exactly what Good Friday represents, no?

And just like all things terrible and beautiful, we are not able to recognize one without recognizing the other.  And, that's what my soul needed on Good Friday, but didn't necessarily get at the service.  But, that is okay!  I'm sure there were many people whose souls were screaming for something loud and commanding!

We came home and went for a night walk which took us to the Lutheran Church down the street from our current house.

We played on the small playground, and walked around the campus.  Taking time to just be a family.  I ended up getting the quiet reflection that my soul craved.  I also got to bed rather early and that was wonderful.

Saturday, we spent the morning at a local park for an Easter Celebration.  There was an Easter Egg Hunt (that was actually kind of a bust.  My daughter was almost trampled, and me and my huge body displayed some unlikely ninja-like qualities to get her out of the crowd) but the day was sunny and beautiful.  We took time to enjoy downtown Cedar Falls, looking around the thrift store and a few of the privately owned apparel and bike shops.  I also enjoyed an almond roca latte that was absolutely delicious.

We decided to go to Easter services on Saturday evening as opposed to Sunday.  This is a big holiday and thousands flock to our church.  Saturday, though full, wouldn't be quite as crazy as the 3 services on Sunday.  We got dressed up (can I be girly and shallow for a second and say how nice it felt to actually curl my hair, put on make-up and wear a dress?  I may be a whale right now, with cankles for days, but I rarely make time to put myself together and it felt good!) and met two other couples at the church.

Can I just say that we have been so fortunate to find Prairie Lakes Church?  Pastor John had the entire congregation make our way up to the front and take the keys that were handed to us as we walked into the church and use them to unlock a small lock.  This was a representation of us becoming unstuck from whatever was/is holding us back.  It was beautiful.  It's always nice to be reminded that every single one of us has pain in our hearts, has sinful tendencies, but that we are not those things.  We can be free!

After service we went over to our friends house.  There were three couples total.  We had a late supper and the kids played while the husbands and wives got in some good conversation.  Again, left feeling filled up.

Sunday we enjoyed Easter baskets and neighbors while getting a lot of packing done.  We move next Saturday and it was nice to put a large dent into all the work we have to do.  Garrett's boss even stopped by the house and dropped off a delicious Easter feast for us!  I couldn't believe it.  It was so kind!

Eva and the neighbor kids spent the day running in and out of the house.  It was funny to hear them speak about the church service they had attended in the morning.  Apparently the church handed the kids worksheets to fill out with different questions to help keep them focused.  One of the questions was, "I hear..." and then a blank space for them to fill in.  Oliver, who happens to be in my daughters kindergarten class wrote, "I hear... music that I don't like very much."

Only from the mouths of babes.

I also realized, this was the final Easter I will ever celebrate without the precious baby growing in my tummy.  Just a few short weeks until she is here!

How was your Easter? 

 Did you attend services anywhere?  Or are you more of an Easter Bunny kind of person?  

Did you get an Easter Basket?

Depression As Idol

For those of you that either know me in real life, or have been following my blogs since the azia said what? days- you very well know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life.  I spent a great deal of my 28 years unmedicated and untreated-- not really aware of the extent of my mental battles or how serious/necessary it was to treat such things.

I just kind of decided/haphazardly approached my early years with the mentality that my moods were just a part of the "whole package" and had a really crappy "take it or leave it" attitude.  You know, kind of like those stupid Marilyn Monroe quotes that are always floating around Pinterest:

source

In reality- I learned life is much more like this:

You don't get to just be angry and depressed and treat everyone like garbage and just expect it to be okay... because, you are, well, sick.

I wish I could tell you that I learned this before becoming a mother, but unfortunately I carried this attitude for the first couple of years that my daughter was alive and I'm really ashamed that That Azia was a mother.  Depression is an ugly, ugly thing.  It can push people to the brink, to suicide.  It ruins lives. And, as concious, self-aware individuals we need to be strong enough to conquer this ugly enemy set to destroy our hearts and minds.

About three years ago, I tried therapy.  It was not a pretty experience.  The woman, or I guess I should say, the therapist, had on these terribly dorky folded down socks (they gathered around the ankles in a lumpy mess) and I found myself unable to focus on anything but the damn socks.  We're sitting here, attempting to discuss this newly opened vault of all things terrible, and there I was wondering why the hell she wore her socks like that.  I was also put on Celexa during that time and long story short, that was not the right medication for me.  I became a bedridden, lazy sloth.  And honestly, found myself more depressed on it than off of it.  I stopped taking the medication.  I stopped going to therapy with sock-lady and was kind of doing all right for a while.

But, 6 weeks after my son was born, I found myself feeling off again.  I explained some of my struggles to my OBGYN during a routine postpartum appointment.  We discussed how I was so afraid to drive that I rarely drove anywhere at all.  That I was so terrified of uncontrolled intersections or places that only had two-way stops, that I had figured out how to completely avoid them in the town that I lived in.  I explained how I just worried in general about everything to the point of exhaustion.  That I was irritable and sometimes just sad, even when I was so happy, for no reason at all.  (I didn't share about the downward spirals, or the crying fits, locking myself in the bathroom or how receiving bad news often made me feel suicidal and intense self-loathing because, well, that was embarrassing.)  Regardless of my withholding of certain issues, she prescribed me a very low dose of Zoloft.

I was afraid to try medication after my initial experience on Celexa had been so terrible.  But, I knew that I needed something to be a better human being and that eventually my children would notice my depression and anxiety if I didn't get it under control.  Zoloft gave me the ability to think slower and with more intention and rationality.  Zoloft made me realize that just because I'm in a car, that it does not mean I'm going to be t-boned by a random driver just because.  Zoloft allowed me to slow down.

During this time of peace, I became a Christian.  A turning point for me was when I read this piece of scripture:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way so that you can stand up under it. -1 Corinthians 10:13

Tempted.  Beyond what you can bear.  HOLY SHIT. (haha, holy, get it?) GOD THINKS I'M A BAD ASS.  I sat there just soaking in that piece of scripture.  There was nothing that I could go through that I was unable to handle or that was so awful, that it is something unheard of to mankind.  Basically, I understood that it was time to put my big girl pants on and saddle up for the ride that is life.

Bad things happen.  Worrying about bad things happening does not change them from happening.  Dwelling on bad things that have happened in the past will not change the outcome of what has already come to pass.

Depression and Anxiety STEAL OUR JOY. I resolved to never let them steal my joy, or give me an excuse to steal another's joy, ever again.

But, alas- depression and anxiety can be a sneaky devilish trickster.  The more I resolved to better myself, the more I was tempted to fall into my old was of thinking.  But, I continued to to pass each test with flying colors by staying close to God, speaking openly about my trials with my husband and, with the help of my good friend, Zoloft.

Last September that changed. I discovered I was pregnant again.  Which meant, no more Zoloft for me.  We went through a lot as a family since then: job changes, moving, heartbreaking and painful dialogue with relatives, petty issues- you name it.  Anything that would typically derail me, I was tempted with.  And actually got through without my Zoloft.

Until about 2 weeks ago. 

Depression has decided to sneak up on me.  Maybe it's all the chaos with the move (have I mentioned we are moving in 2 weeks?  When I'm 36 weeks pregnant?)-- HORMONES, obviously, and a lot of other weird stuff that has been playing mind games with me.  

Then today, I was sitting with a group of ladies at my Tuesday bible study and it just clicked.  Depression and Anxiety have become an Idol for me.  I let my worry and my troubles stand between me and God.  Stand between me and happiness.  Realizing that right then snapped me out of it.  

Who would think that depression, of all things, could be an idol?  But, I am here to tell you that I've spent my entire life allowing that very thing control my life.  In a way, I was worshiping depression.  How sick is that?  But, isn't that sin?  And human nature?  Sickness?

I will be fighting this sin for the rest of my life.  But, from this day forward I will not allow Depression to be an Idol in my life.

Do you have any Idols?  Have you ever suffered from depression or anxiety?

New Direction

Good morning everyone!

Today is a better morning than yesterday, only because I'm becoming the worlds (okay, probably not the WORLDS) biggest complainer in regards to the weather.  Yesterday the high was 28 degrees.  But today, TODAY the high is 48.  (Imagine a very pregnant and round woman doing a little jig and insert that image here.)  This is a glorious turn of events here in Iowa.  

You may have noticed that I had to shut down the blog for a few weeks while I worked on a reformat/content redirection.  I wasn't happy with what I was publishing on this space, and there was a serious lack of focus.  There are many topics on my heart a majority of the time but I found myself not utilizing this space to tackle them.  One of the things I've completely avoided was the subject of my faith.  I have wanted to steer clear of controversy on this blog and I know that God-talk makes people uncomfortable; and from my experiences, very defensive and angry.

I'm tired of skirting around issues that may make people uncomfortable.  I'm not your typical Christian lady.  (Though, I think when a majority of people envision Christians, they think only of the assholes on the media who get upset over things like the TV Series Cosmos not discussing Creation, or the late Fred Phelps who founded the ever pleasant Westboro Baptist Church).  Most of the Christians I know are nothing like that.  Though I am much more liberal than many of those same Christians that I know.  Which in turn leaves me feeling kind of feel like an alien most days.  I'd like to be able to share with you some of my thoughts and struggles regarding being a liberal Christian.  I hope that's okay with you.

Another thing that may look a little different around here is my open discussion of both motherhood and married life.  Again, I've tried to make this blog mostly surface but I think it's time to tackle the deeper stuff. I'm a stay-at-home Mom.  I'm only 28 years old and about to have 3 children.  I suddenly drive a mini-van.  It's super weird.  But, obviously, this part of my life is a rather big one SO- I'll try really hard to not go all "Mommy-Blog" on you guys.  But, it's a possibility that some posts may be focused in that direction, as it is a major part of the life I am living.

Oh, and recipes!  I cook and bake a lot!  I want to share all of this yummy stuff with you!  Can I share some recipes here, is that okay?!

I still plan on talking about writing and books because HELLO!  I'm Azia DuPont- I am a writer and I love to read.  I'm still editing Dirty Chai.  So, those of you that enjoy that content- never fear!  It will still be here!  Cover reveals, book reviews, writing struggles-- all that content will still be a major focus of this blog.  I'm dying to be more authentic with you guys.  To share my journey as I go "One Step at a Time" -- get it?  It's the new name of my blog.  Haha.  I hope those of you who have been around since the beginning will stick around and enjoy the refocus of this space.  I hope to start some dialogue and to get to know you all that much better.  And, maybe to make a few new friends too.

I'm excited to relaunch and dive into a regular blogging schedule with a refocused energy.  Cheers to new beginnings!

The Best Terrible Week I've Ever Had

Well, remember when I said we were kind of sitting in the middle of a poo-sandwich on Monday afternoon?

It turns out, it wasn't poo.

And it wasn't a sandwich.

It was the beginning of a pretty terrible week for my family and I.  I'm not quite ready to share with the blogsphere what transpired quite yet, because it has everything to do with my hubby and really nothing to do with me // but for those of you that are married know- what happens to one partner, happens to the unit -- and I'm a SAHM (Stay At Home Momma) --- So, you could probably deduce what this could pertain to given those facts.

Let's just say that the quiet life I was questioning on Wednesday, within 24 hours became full of noise, chaos and uncertainty.

I am happy to say that through this ridiculous situation there have been quite a few silver linings/positive things to emerge.  A big one is that within 12 hours of one door closing, another much better, incredible door began the process of opening.  And for me, my character had been revealed to me-  God has definitely shown me how much I've changed and matured.

One thing about me-- my tongue was sharp.  I was easily lead by anger, and I can say with embarrassment and truth that I was one of the cruelest, most petty people that I knew.  I've realized that anger walks hand in hand with deep, untreated depression.  And I was a constant battlefield of hate: the Devil loved me.  He had a hayday with how terrible I could be.  I really think he believed he'd have me until the day I died.

Well, boy was he wrong!  I've actually mastered and practiced the art of tact, silence and GRACE.

I'm still strong and loyal-- but I'm not mean.  Just because someone I care about has been deeply, deeply wronged-- does not give me the right to put the wrongdoers in their place.  That is not my job.  My job is to be supportive to my loved ones, to smile and take care of business for my children, and to pray, pray, pray-- for guidance, wisdom, and for everyone that is involved.

I'm not perfect.  I'm far from it.  And, like everyone-- I have my critics.  I have people in my life that want to be in it for the wrong reasons, to spy, or to try and find my weakspots.  I have people in my life that still see me as the mistakes I have made, and not the woman I have become because of those mistakes.  I know there are people who even find it laughable that I have come to Christ.  I feel such saddness for that, but what can you do?  Am I supposed to see myself the way they see me?  Cry my eyes out and steep into another depression.  No way!

Never, ever be afraid to admit your faults or past wrongs-- we are all sinners.  We all sin every day in so many ways.  But do not let those things define you.  God did not put us on this Earth to hate, or despise, or to judge one another.  Leave the judging to him.  Be in tune with your spiritual life and live a life of integrity-- because at the end of the day-- you have to look in the mirror and be at peace with the mind behind those eyes.  Your thoughts and actions, your motives-- those things are between you and God.  You can't hide the truth from yourself or him.  

I have had a terrible and incredible week.  I was able to witness growth in my character and the resilience of my husband.  I also learned about the power of God and how one should not take his signs lightly.  Trust your gut-- that's God. 

I know this post was  all over the place, but there are just so many thoughts in this head of mine.  Things happen and it really makes you pause and look around, evaluating everything around you.

Thursday evening, Jason Gray was supposed to be performing a show that our church has spent an incredible amount of time promoting, but "coincidentally" he was unable to attend due to a vocal injury and  last minute (as in night before last minute) Jimmy Needham was sent in his place-- the artist whose song was on repeat in our house and in our vehicle-- the song getting us through this dark time.

The Social Introvert

Why are writer's so freaking manic?  (And, if you aren't manic, will you just pretend you are manic for my sake and maybe for my Poet friend's sake because she is also manic and thinking that it's just because we are writer's makes us feel better about ourselves.  *exhales*)

I feel so unpredictable in my moods lately.  I felt a lot more stable for awhile but, now I'm second guessing most decisions (in both my writing and my personal life) and, well, shit, you guys.

Something about me that hasn't changed in 27 years:  I'm a very social introvert.

Hemingway in a bathtub.  Because bathtub.

That sounds like an oxymoron, but it's the truth.  I prefer to be alone.  I don't enjoy small talk.  But, that doesn't mean I can't be social or participate in small talk.

I love meeting new people and I am a natural conversationalist.  If I'm at the park with my kids, I'll talk to the mom standing next to me pushing her kids on the swings.  I love hearing how people speak, and seeing them talk about things that excite them.

I guess you could say that I'm not shy, but occasionally guarded.  I'd even go as far as to say, that I come off very confident and outgoing.  The introvert that lurks inside of me is not on the forefront of my personality.

I'm not easy to keep in touch with.  I disappear off of people's radar for months at a time.  I know it's nothing to be proud of and that it's actually quite a terrible trait-- but there are less than a handful of people outside of my husband, kids and mother that I talk to on a weekly basis.  Luckily, most of my friends now realize this fact and, most importantly respect this.

I get very defensive when people assume I'm mad at them because we haven't spoke in awhile.  When this happens, I often distance myself from the friendship because I know that I will continue to disappoint them.  Between taking care of my kids, maintaining a household, serving 3 meals a day, finding time to write, and spending time with the Lord-- entire weeks will pass by and I'll be completely unaware of it.

Does this make me selfish?  I hope not.  I'm hoping it means I'm easily distracted?  And that maybe you find me endearing?  TELL ME I'M ENDEARING! *pleads*

I do know that I'm a person people can count on for emotional support.  I'm always there for the people that need it.  I'm actually kind of a dumping ground for people's frustrations and problems.  It must be in my gifting, having the ability to make people feel comfortable enough to reveal their fears, pain, demons-- but, HOLY COW YOU GUYS.  It sometimes makes my heart so heavy that I walk around in a raincloud for days-- my soul gets so weighted down from the rainwater!

Maybe that's where the manic comes in?

Can any of you relate to this?  Or am I completely crazy?  Or maybe you can relate to this, and are also crazy and therefore we are both nuts?  Should we just have coffee and pretend everything is normal?