So, I've had a strange week.
It all started after we went back to New Ulm for the weekend and attended a dinner party with some of our dear friends. That drive home with Garrett was very scenic and full of a lot of beautiful music and quiet time (somehow our children slept 3/4 of the 4 hour drive- which NEVER happens.) We had a lot of discussion and time to just be in our heads and reflect.
For the last couple of years, I've felt a stirring inside of me. It has been mostly creative and character-driven. Character, as in my own. Building a better one, that is, and growing as a person both mentally and spiritually (for myself and my children) and just becoming the type of person who chooses her words wisely, doesn't cause harm, and just peacefully exists. I can say with 100% confidence I never gossip about anyone, or pass on my negative thoughts about people either. Creatively, my brain is just constantly going going going! with ideas and this intense need to share art, love, life, etc with as many people as possible. The last two years have produced a lot of writing and other various projects.
After I married Garrett, I changed my Twitter handler, this blog, my Instagram account and my Pinterest account to my name- everything was aziadupont. (Clearly, I loved my new name! Ha!) That spring, I also had created my THIRD Facebook account. (I hate Facebook, but I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, so I eventually come back out of guilt and laziness-- it's a lot easier to update your status than plan time to call or email 200 people). But, you guys- MY NAME was all over everything.
I don't know why, but that started to eat at me.
Before this, I had an "internet persona"- a small bit of anonyminty- I was "aziasaidwhat" on the internet. Not my entire freaking name. Plastered everywhere. My entire freaking name on every little thing I did.
Something had to change. So, I deleted Facebook. UGH. It was instant relief. Every time I logged in, it was just ALL THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES RIGHT THERE for me to see. And, selfishly- my inbox was always full of messages from people seeking advice and it really started to bother me. I don't have the answers for anyone right now and I understand and appreciate that I am easy to talk to. But, I'm in a transitional period myself, and though I want to help people- I need to help myself first And being clouded constantly with other peoples struggles was taking a toll on me emotionally.
In all seriousness, I'm struggling HARD right now with my relationship with my mother. This has been a consistent roller-coaster of a relationship most of my life, so it isn't anything new. But with social media, there is another element added-- my own mother had me blocked on Facebook and was friends with people I went to high school and college with. Isn't that fucking weird? Yeah, I thought it was weird too. And annoying. So, every time I'd log on- something would remind me of that and just that weird spot in my heart that has hurt for more years than I can remember would start to ache and I wouldn't be myself for the rest of the day. Stupid.
It was assaulting me mentally. I've gone out of my way to become a better person, and I have drama with my MOTHER. I mean how freaking ridiculous is that? It makes me feel terrible. Granted, I know it's not "me" but it doesn't make the pain go away. Not to mention, how can I give advice to people when I'm randomly breaking down in tears in the middle of the day? Goodbye Facebook.
I then changed my IG and Pinterest handles. I took my blog information off of both accounts. I took my name off of the account as well. I made IG private.
Now, not just any person can just Google my name and see personal photographs of me (IG) and the weird shit I post on Pinterest.
I've decided to keep Twitter and this blog with my name on it. I can control the content that goes up on both spaces- and both of the spaces are mostly used for networking purposes anyhow.
I've also started a mighty large project-- and all of these social networks are distracting! I need to focus on myself, my family, and my projects.
Life is too short you guys. We don't need all these internet persona's and so much of ourselves online.
And for me, I need more authenticity, anonymity- and less of everything.