Friday, April 4, 2014

You are NOT a SLUT (Women Empowering Women) - Pt.1


Let's talk about sluts, shall we?  Warning- I'm about to use this word a lot, so don't be alarmed.  The word has no power here.

A little less than two weeks ago, I read about a blonde woman in a pink top who walked through a University in Cairo and found herself the victim of sexual harassment.  
"This girl entered the university wearing an abaya (loose cloak) and then took it off in the faculty, and appeared with those clothes, that caused, in reality… the incident," University Dean Nassar was quoted.


Obviously had the woman not dressed so provocatively, she wouldn't have had to deal with these men. Clearly men are beasts who cannot control themselves when a pretty woman walks by.  Hopefully you could see the use of the sarcasm font in the last two sentences.

This happens to be the unfortunate reality that we are facing: there are many people who would blame the incident on the woman citing that men simply cannot control themselves.  Not only is this way of thinking dangerous, it is insulting to males and belittling to women.

She shouldn't have worn such a low cut shirt if she didn't want me to comment/touch/stare at her
breasts.
If her skirt wasn't so short, maybe the men wouldn't spend so much time trying to see under it.
If she didn't want to be objectified, she shouldn't have worn clothes that clung so tightly to her body.

These types of statements, that a woman is asking for it don't just happen overseas.  It's happening here in the USA too.  Re: Steuebeville Rape Case. Take a look at this list from Buzzfeed: 23 People Who Think The Steubenville Rape Victim is to Blame.  Do you see how many times the words "slut" and "whore" are used to describe the victim?  How she is repeatedly blamed for the cruelty of others?

Look at number 14 on the list, "I feel bad for the two young guys .... they did what most people in their position would have done."  Wait, what?  Most guys, when presented with a girl who drank too much (to the point of becoming comatose) would decide it would be fun to strip a girl down naked, take videos and photos of said girl, and do very serious atrocities to her and her body?  It's just in a man's nature?  I don't think so.

Let's move our focus away from the news, and look into celebrity culture.  We can't forget the most famous slut of all right now:



Oh Miley, you scandalous little nudist.  Our culture hates and loves you simultaneously, don't we?  Miley isn't the only scantily clad female celeb out there.  You can't find one that isn't almost nude, if not totally nude nowadays.  To be an American Female Celebrity- there is one rule: Clothing Optional.

But this isn't a new-trend.  At least not for Millennials.  In 2000, I was in the eighth grade when I gave a speech on the over-sexualization of pop-stars and the effects it was having on young girls.  My visual aid?  Many photographs on the overhead projector (who remembers them?) and a recording of Britney Spears' performance of I'm a Slave for You at the MTV Awards.  Millennials have been spoon-fed this hyper sexed up standard of women for most, if not all of their (our) lives.

I'm going to ask you to hold that thought.  We will come back to these stories later on.

For those of us who are my age or older, think back to your high school or college years.  Maybe even as far back as middle school.  Can you recall someone saying (or you yourself saying) that someone was a "slut."  Now, think back to the reasons that person was being called a slut-- was it how they were dressed?  Or maybe they had more sexual partners than deemed "socially acceptable."  Furthermore, I want you to think about the situation and switch the girl to a boy (ie- tight shirt that maybe revealed he had nice muscles, or maybe he has lengthy list of sexual partners), would he have been celebrated or shamed?

Who wants to put their money on the man being celebrated?

 Source
The infamous pudding boobs from Now and Then.
Image Source.

I'm going to get personal with you for a few minutes and share some of my own experiences.  I became a woman in the 6th grade (yes, I was 11 years old when I "flowered.")  That following summer before the seventh grade, my chest went from nonexistent/flat-as-board to a C-cup.  You can imagine how awesome seventh grade was for me.  (note: again, sarcasm font.)  Rumors of my bra stuffing were prevalent.  My favorite rumor was the one about a boy named Spencer who had "accidentally" spilled chocolate milk on my shirt which resulted in my boobs deflating on the spot.  Because I had big boobs, never mind that I hadn't even kissed a boy, I was a slut.  A slut who stuffed her bra.

About halfway through the year, other students started to find better things to talk about (I mean, there were kids having actual sex! That made for much meatier gossip), other girls started to get boobs (Nicole!  I'm looking at you if you're reading this!  You too Ashley!), and I had swimming during my gym hour- clearly it was not feasible that I stuffed my bra, my boobs were still there, alive and well, when I was in the water.

In college, there were girls who didn't like me.  What do you think their go-to derogatory term would be?  You guessed it, slut.  A few years back, these two girls had "friended" me on Facebook.  During the time they had known and seriously disliked me, I was an Atheist.  Since parting ways, I had become a Christian.  One of the girls posted this hilarious e-card a few days after my ever-forgiving nature accepted their friend requests:
Image Source.
I'm not stupid.  I knew they were having a go at me.  But the best part?  I was never a slut.  I have never been a slut.  I will never be a slut.  I was annoyed, but a married woman with two kids.  I mean, how much time can you really dwell on such things?

I will admit it didn't feel good.  Even when things are untrue or unjustified, it still hurts when people treat you that way.

I've also been the one to dish it out.  When I was 19 years old, and found myself cheated on, what do you think I called the other woman?  Whore.  When I got in a fight with a very good friend of mine who was very open sexually, what do you think I shouted at her?  Slut.  And to think, during that time I was a self-proclaimed feminist.  Despicable.

It's embarrassing.  And I'm ashamed.  Especially now that I am a Christian.  To have placed such judgement on other women makes me sick to my stomach.

Which makes me wonder why, we, as women, continue to call other women such derogatory names?  I think of that line in the movie Mean Girls, where after complete pandemonium, the female students have been huddled into the gym for discussion and punishment.  Their teacher Mrs. Norbury says:
 "You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores."
Amen, Mrs. Norbury!  Women divided is women weakened.  We must empower one another.  I've seen too many girls cry because of this.  And, often times, the person belittling them was another woman.  The ultimate betrayal.

We are going to stop there for now, but I have some questions for you:
Have you ever been called a slut?  How did it make you feel?  Have you ever called someone else a slut?  Have you ever found yourself blaming the victim?  How do you feel about Millennial female celebrities and their lack of modesty?

***
This post may seem incomplete, and that's because it is.  This is Part One in a Three Part Series.  
Part One
Part Two
Next week I will be expanding on the hypersexed cultural and the reasons behind it.  Hope to see you soon!

12 comments:

  1. Great post! I'm looking forward to reading the next installment!

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  2. I can't believe someone posted that E-card!

    --I'm sure I've been called a slut before, and I know I've called people sluts for stupid reasons (hooking up with the guy I like, or whatever.. you know the history!) It is sad!
    As far as female celebrities goes.. its' never bothered me too much. But I do think it puts a strong pressure on young girls and body image. I work at an eating disorder treatment center now, and I see it every day. It is very sad. Girls as young as 6 years old! I also think there's a fine line between being sexy and gross.. Miley Cyrus' performances/videos lean way towards the gross side for me.. and she for some reason started the trend of sticking your tongue in an uncomfortable manner, and it's catching on.. (put it away, Madonna!) But some, I think are sexy and beautiful.. is that wrong?

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    1. Haha I know. Some people lack a bit of tact. But, maybe they are a bit kinder now. You never know.

      The word slut has too much power... TOO MUCH POWER! But don't feel guilty- most of us have been on the receiving end and or the one dishing it out unfortunately.

      Everything you said about female celebrity I completely agree with it. I"m going to end it there because I plan on discussing some of these things next week ;)

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  3. I... want to hug you. I just found you from the A to Z page and I want to hug you. I've been wanting to write a post like this for a while, but I haven't been able to string the words together without it turning into a rant, instead of an educational post. I agree with every thing you said, though I wouldn't call myself a feminist (I use the phrase "equalist" because I feel the term shows that I expect and demand equality for everyone, not just females, though I would never say a feminist doesn't feel the same way). But... ahhh, this post!

    To answer your questions, I was called a slut and people used to think I was a hooker. I was like 13, but due to fault not of our own, my mom and I lived across the street from a pimp who got his hands on girls from my middle school. Because of that and where I lived, I had a reputation of being a slut. My roommate now even told my boyfriend (I live with both, actually) that all servers are easy, while knowing I had an interview to be one the next day (and a second interview tomorrow, actually). My boyfriend wouldn't tell me how he handled it but since I've been treated with the utmost respect, I'm guessing he set him straight. I'm not a slut, hooker, or easy. I've had one boyfriend in my entire 20 years of life and he is the only boy who I have ever been with in any way. Sorry for not sleeping around to live up to the rumors, of a word I don't even agree with?

    Personally, I don't care if somebody is a prostitute, stripper, or Miley Cyrus. The way I see it is: You keep yourself clean and you get yourself checked, you inform your partners of your past, and you be of legal age (and I mean legal age for the country you're in, not be legal 15 in Mexico and then think it's okay in the 18+ United States). Then do whatever you want as long as all parties are willing and follow the same guidelines. Its your body and you have the right, even if I don't agree with it. I may not like somebody for their attitude and they may also have several partners, but slut-shaming is a form of bullying, which I am not okay with.

    ...See why I can't just write my own post? Once I get going, I can't stop, sorry!

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    1. I love that, "equalist." I think it's a great way to put it. I've actually seen some things done recently in the name of "feminism" and it's made me want to barf. Equalism makes much more sense.

      I'm sorry that people are so ridiculous. It's really disheartening and quite the shame that so many of us are put into such a narrow-minded box. Things like unfortunate location proximity and employment (unless you are an actual prostitute) should have nothing to do with ones sexual reputation OR/ESPECIALLY make people think they have any insight into your sexual excapades. Not to mention, I freaking hate generalizations. Though, to be funny, I will say I was a server/bartender for 10 years :) haha

      I think you can definitely write abut this topic! When you feel yourself getting a bit emotional or heated, just take a break. But, also-- this is blogging. You are totally allowed to have emotions and frustration in your posts. IT IS EMOTIONAL AND FRUSTRATING!!!!

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  4. Thoughtful and thought provoking post. My daughter just turned 13 and she was/is starting to show since she was 12 or so. I'm seriously hoping that she doesn't go through the same crap that you went through when you were her age.

    A-Z Challenge at Father Nature's Corner

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    1. I have a 6 year old, and in the back of my head there is this little voice that reminds me constantly that she probably has between 5-7 years of "youth" yet before puberty takes over. Goodness, it was crazy enough dealing with all that stuff BEFORE cell phones, facebook, and all the other "awesome" things about the internet. Can't imagine going through all of that hooked up to such an intense and easily scrutinized social media presence.

      My advice is just occasionally ask how she's doing at school, what other kids are like, etc. You'll know if she's avoiding telling you any bad things. Plus, it will make her feel good to know her parents care and if any shenanigans are happening-- she'll be strong enough to face them because she has you.

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  5. Have I? Yes, but only when the word fits the behavior.

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    1. I have never met any actual people who have sex for money. But, one time in Las Vegas, I was 19, and drove by an alley where a guy and a girl made an exchange. My eyeballs - they cannot forget!

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  6. Umm, hey, came here looking for A-Z, and this doesn't appear to match any letter of the alphabet but S. Umm...

    The only thing I have to say at this moment (and speaking as a guy,) is a tongue-in-cheek response to the other guys who justify sexual harassment based on a woman's wardrobe choices: "Shut up! It women actually buy into that 'if you dress sexy you're asking for it' line, it doesn't mean you'll get any action. It just means less nice eye candy for all of us. 8-)"

    Reminder, the above is tongue firmly in cheek, apologies if anybody is offended.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Umm, hey, came here looking for A-Z, and this doesn't appear to match any letter of the alphabet but S. Umm...

    The only thing I have to say at this moment (and speaking as a guy,) is a tongue-in-cheek response to the other guys who justify sexual harassment based on a woman's wardrobe choices: "Shut up! It women actually buy into that 'if you dress sexy you're asking for it' line, it doesn't mean you'll get any action. It just means less nice eye candy for all of us. 8-)"

    Reminder, the above is tongue firmly in cheek, apologies if anybody is offended.

    ReplyDelete

Love to read what you have to say! Keep the comments coming!