"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." -Hal Borland

I feel akin to remark on how quickly the year has passed, but it seems to be something I now say almost constantly (since becoming a mother, anyway).  But, in all actuality: WOW.  2014 BASICALLY DIDN'T HAPPEN OR I WAS ASLEEP 90% OF THE TIME OR SOMETHING. (Could also have something to do with having a baby in May? Maybe? Ha.)

In the spirit of reflection, I must comment on the unprecedented strangeness of 2014: so many highs and lows. Our family brought in a new member: Maggie truly is this beautiful little blessing-- her face just melts my heart and as challenging as babies can be (and raising children in general): I love this responsibility.  I have the added bonus of living life through the eyes of children: it is incredible.

While this year was filled with much joy for our family, I watched a lot of people I care about face some truly terrible circumstances.  I've been blown away by the strength, perseverance and vulnerability of those around me.

All in all: I'd say the word that best represents 2014 is GROWTH.  Whether growth as in the literal form or spiritually, emotionally, professionally speaking: it's all around us and this past year.  So even in the murky grossness: we are all for the better.

I like to take time to goal set at the beginning of each year: I'm a very disorganized, scatterbrain so this help give me focus.

One of the biggest things I'd like to tackle this year is LIVING WITH LESS.  I plan on writing more about my issues this coming year: but my goal is to BREAK from this consumerism driven society and pave my own way.  For the most part, I'm not very materialistic.  We *rent* a very small, modest house with a large back yard, half of our furniture has been thrifted or purchased from garage sales.  But still: the clutter, the useless crap: it's GOT TO GO.

Along the lines of living with less: I will CONSUME LESS this year.  I want to be hyper aware of the rate at which we are wasting valuable resources and/or being gluttonous in our consumption.

Which brings me to the number one thing I am doing this year: I REFUSE TO BUY ANY NEW CLOTHING.  My youngest child is 7 months old, and my body is still constantly changing, so I know a lot of the stuff I'm wearing now will not fit at the end of next year so I'm not saying no clothing whatsoever.  But, if I need new pants or something: hello thrift stores, my sowing machine, Plato's closet, etc.  I'm hoping to create a capsule wardrobe by the end of this that allows me to dress with more intention, and less based on trends and consumerism.

As it is, my husband is on board for this lifestyle change, which will make it all the more easier.

Any goals for you this year, my friends?

If Your Reality is Mostly Virtual: You Are Doing it Wrong

For those of you who have followed my blogs over the years, or any of you that know me in person, you know that navigating social media has been something I've struggled with for a long time.  Social media makes me anxious (well, I have anxiety, so a lot things make me anxious, but social media tends to really make it flare up).  It brings out a judgmental side that I hate knowing resides within me ("How could they post something like that?").  There has been so many birds chirping lately, I feel like my brain is overrun with all of these words and little action.  My brain is melting into my keyboard, into my phone.  My brain is of utmost importance, I must save my brain.

So, now, how to navigate this virtual world without it interfering with my reality?  That right there folks, is the million dollar question.

I don't want to be glued to my smartphone.  I don't want to be gazing into the abyss tweeting my life away while my actual life is unfolding outside that glass screen.  I don't want to gawk at someone I know over-sharing and have a resounding, What the actual fuck, playing on repeat in my head.  I don't want to judge online personas and think, You are NOTHING like that in real life.

I keep deactivating & activating my Twitter & Facebook because I'm so torn on how to actually navigate this virtual world.  There is a large part of me that wants to run from it like the wind, but I also recognize the role it plays in today's modern world.  But, I'm just not a fan of this virtual reality. Maybe this is just me?  But, really, I have to say: If your reality is mostly virtual: you are doing it WRONG.

If you feel yourself getting defensive at that statement, you may have an addiction to the internet. I get it, it's a hard pill to swallow, but I assure you, if you have a thought and you do not tweet it, it is still an actual thought-- sharing it on Facebook doesn't make it at all more "real."  If anything, if you need someone to "like" a statement of yours in order to feel less alone, you are making yourself much more lonely in the process.

I believe I've shared this in the past, but it seems incredibly relevant:

The Innovation of Loneliness from Shimi Cohen on Vimeo.

You guys, we were created to socialize with other human beings.  Emailing and Facebook chatting does not substitute real life, actual face to face contact.  There is always a person to meet, a friend to make, no matter where you live or how "busy" you are- but you have to actually put your phone in your pocket, or turn off your laptop and get out into your community to meet these people.  Even the most introverted person needs to have "real life" friends that they socialize with on a regular basis.

I'm not saying that you can't have connections with people online.  There are a few people on the interweb that I've never met in my real life that seem pretty awesome.  But you know what?  If something life shattering were to happen right now, God forbid, a death of a loved one, a fire, you name it, these "virtual" friends will not be there to help glue me back together.  Chatting can only go so far, presenting each thought articulated to perfection via your keyboard will not bond you the way face to fave contact can.  What if something happened and the grid came to a startling hault and none of us could "log on?"  Where would you be?

Again, I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but your internet friends cannot and should not be your only friends.  If you are not meeting someone for coffee, or drinks, or readings, or gym time or something at least once a week: you are not living your life.

Heck, you may be doing some great things online; as a writer, myself and other writers included, one of our greatest strengths resides in our ability to convey the written word-- but that should not be the only way we are changing the world.  We should be changing the world with our actions as well.  We should be knee deep in our community, we should be living our lives.

I know this sounds preachy and I'm sorry for that, but this just seems like such a necessary message.

Social Media, the internet, it can be psychologically dangerous.  I am going on year three (maybe it's year four?) of being cyber-stalked/cyber-harassed by an individual I met in my college years-- I know they check my various social media profiles because they will accidentally repin something from Pinterest & quickly delete it, or they will follow a friend of mine on Twitter that they have absolutely no connection to, or even follow and unfollow me (that is before I blocked them), and a few months ago I received an anonymous message via this blog, advising me to keep my various profiles private because this person checks everything I do almost compulsively.

Um, yeah, that stresses me out.  I've wasted more energy than I'm proud to admit, more tears to my husband than I ever should have to spare on something so ridiculous, because social media platforms have opened up up this Pandora's box of infinite access.  I can't count how many times I've felt like I need to shut down all of my accounts because of that person; knowing that there is someone out there who does not like me, judging everything that I do.  It isn't a good feeling.

But, it brings me back to what I spoke about before, how many times have I rolled my eyes at what people have posted to Facebook, people I actually like?  So, really, as long as we have the internet, there will be an enhanced sin of judgement.

As long as we have the internet, we will run the chance of becoming too engrossed in our virtual realities, missing the real life happening outside of the screen.

As long as we have the internet, we will have a platform that allows us to present a version of ourselves that is highly edited.

In this digital age, we have to be aware of how much we are tuning out our world in order to tune into our screens.  In this digital age we have to understand that true authentic relationships cannot exist solely in a chat-box.  In this digital age we have to practice restraint in our curiosity. In this digital age we have to be aware of our intentions.

Intentionality is crucial to balancing social media, how you use it and to what ends it has control over your life.

What are your intentions when navigating social media?  How much of your life is spent online?  I think as the first generation to be navigating this virtual reality, it is crucial that we ask ourselves these questions and answer them honestly.

“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” -Jefferson Bethke

Empath Lit / My Poem

Hey guys, I just wanted to send you over to Empath Lit where they recently published a poem of mine.

Empath Lit was started by Alexandra Naughton and Dianna Dragonetti, 

"two survivors who wanted to curate a project by and for people who have been victimized, abused, silenced. Seeking poetry, prose, essay/memoir/accounts of experiences, and more formal/journalistic criticism/reviews. Reclaim your narrative. We want to support you."

Amazing, right?

This is an incredible project and I am grateful to be a part of it.  My work, "Father's Day Poem" does carry a trigger warning (re: sexual and child abuse) but I think it's important, now more than ever, to stop being ashamed of my story and to let people know that I am a survivor.  Terrible things happened to me but my life is not terrible.  I made it through the other end.  I was a victim, yes, but most importantly, I am a survivor.  

For any of you who are dealing with abuse and need someone to talk to, I am here.  Please reach out via my contact page or DM me via Twitter @aziadupont.

In the words of Empath Lit, reclaim your narrative.

Sin Patterns

There's so much going on day-to-day and often times, my to-do list seems so freaking daunting that I neglect to spend time nurturing my spirit.

Even before I became a Christian, I felt a soul, my soul.  My friend Katie would often say that I can't possibly be an Atheist because I was so spiritual and in-tune with that part of myself.  (Looks like she was right, ha!)  Your spirit is crucial to every aspect of your life.  If you are not in tune with the part of you that isn't physical, everything around you suffers.  How you interpret situations and how you handle them, it all becomes skewed.

For me, as a Christian, nurturing the spirit means spending time in the word, praying, and meditating on scripture.  When I am feeling super frazzled and defeated, 9 times out of 10 I will realize that I (coincidentally) have been on a streak of spiritual neglect.  With 3 children, and being the stereotypical neurotic writer, you can see how that could be seriously detrimental to my well-being.

A couple weeks ago, we attended a new sermon-series at our church, Cleaning Up My Side of the Road.  This particular sermon focused on "Sin Patterns" (you can watch here.)  Let me tell you, it was a smack in the face.  Though, it was probably the first time I actually welcomed the smack in the face with open arms.

I was jotting notes down like a maniac:

"Your journey with Jesus will consistently be derailed when sin patterns remain unchecked."
"Your side of the road can cause GENERATIONAL DAMAGE."
"If you doubt that the maker and creator of you loves you, you will spend the rest of your life chasing that love."
"Religion says: clean up your sin.  But a relationship with God says: clean up your heart."

I cannot let the neglect of my spirit, and my very needed relationship with God, derail my journey through this life.  If I allow this to happen, I could cause generational damage (!!!!).  I could be setting up my children s children for hardship/strife/all of the terrible things.

And, wow.  Don't even get me started on the entire "chasing love-thing."  I think that basically sums up who I was from the ages of 15 to 23 years old (maybe still, sometimes?... On my "emo" days!  I hate admitting that.)

We went through healthy steps to begin cleaning up your side of the road:
1. Identify the Pattern
2. Identify Obvious Disruptures
3. Clarify the REAL ISSUE

                   "What comes out of you, starts with what's in you."
                           
We were given time to pray and think about our patterns.  I wrote:

I get so angry, and then so sad.  I hate that I cannot control my emotions, it makes me feel weak.  That opens up the window to intense self-loathing and I begin cycling through each instance in my life where I feel that I have failed, where I feel I've been "bad" or done something wrong.  Once I get too far into my past, I start to feel angry again over things that happened to me that I had no control over and that anger becomes this living breathing fear of adulthood-- that maybe I'm ill equipped to become a functioning adult.  And that's when the anxiety sets in, I start thinking about the future.  The future.  The future.  Do I even deserve a future?  I don't deserve a good future.  My poor children! They deserve a much better mother.  Those thoughts take over my brain and then I feel depressed.  And that depression makes me angry.  And then we are right back where we started.

My pattern of sin is Anger > Anxiety > Depression and the vast universe of emotions that encompass those individual states of mind.  And, since I was a teenager, that has always been my issue, or at least the root cause of my myriad of issues.  For a very, very long time I did not have God.  I did not feel loved.  I sure as hell did not love my self.  So, I went looking for love in all of the wrong places, which usually resulted in my doing things that made me loathe myself even more.  Which would make me depressed and then angry.  And, usually, I'd eventually explode on someone who didn't deserve it because I had been pushing so much down, that I'd finally burst.  (Yeah, I was kind of an asshole.  I'm really sorry.)

We were asked to identify the things that disrupt us.  I'm still working out the answer to that one.  I know there is no simple answer and I want to spend a lot of time searching this one out.

Finally, we spent time clarifying the real issue.  I wrote:

I'm afraid no one really loves the true, messy, me.  I'm afraid that God doesn't love me as much as he loves the sons of this world, strictly because I am a woman.  Sometimes that keeps me from asking God for the guidance I need.  At the end of the day, my issues all stem from love: self-love, love from others, love from God.

So, now I'm left with a bit of clarity but also more questions.  Oddly enough, it does bring me some peace though.  I feel a bit more armed in the attacks on me and my self-esteem.  Because, really, at the end of the day: depression, anxiety, and anger, those are coming from a place of insecurity and learned survival tactics.  I am no longer a naive little girl who is merely surviving life.  I am a woman of God who, when I lean on The Creator can thrive. But, I do know that I will be hashing out my feelings towards God+Woman for awhile.  I've luckily found an incredible woman to mentor me, and maybe she can help me through the vast expanse of questions I have.

What are YOUR sin patterns?

I know a lot of you are not Christians, so the word "sin" does not have any bearing on how you identify your emotions.  But, I'm still interested in the things that disrupt your life in a negative way- what are your go to downfalls?  How do you pick yourself up again?  Is there a pattern?

Why I'm Not That Excited About Beyonce's FEMINIST Performance

The Internet basically exploded Sunday night, when "Queen" Beyonce stood proudly in front of the word FEMINIST during her performance at the MTV Video Awards.  I didn't catch the original performance because I spent 5 minutes watching them and I thought my brain was going to melt was watching The Leftovers.  But, after seeing all the hoopla, I decided to check out the performance.

Beyonce is talented.  I'll give her that.  I'm not denying that she does not have star power.  As a mother, I also loved seeing the tribute to her daughter.  I understand that love, it's beautiful.  

Also, as a mother, I kept thinking "She's really letting her daughter watch this?"

It was so sexual you guys, I hated it.

There was a point where she was acting out sex on a chair, it was ridiculous.

(I know, I'm not supposed to hate on Beyonce- I'm sure I'll be shunned by many for this post.)

But, I can't keep my bewilderment under wraps.

Yes- thank you, Beyonce for proving that FEMINISTS CAN BE HOTT TOO! (Note: Limbaugh on Feminism: "Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society." (uh, okay?????)  But, I'm not really impressed about it.

And, yes, big thanks for bringing feminism and the discussion of what feminism is to the populace- that's great.  Especially since it's been 94 years since women were granted suffrage in the United States.

Thank you for sampling Nigerian novelist, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in your song, "Flawless."  That's really, really, great.  This is the quote:
 "We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you will threaten the man.’ Feminist: The person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes." 

Yes.  That's exactly what feminists are: people who believe in the social, political & economic equality of the sexes, yes!

But just because we have the power to be sexual beings does not mean that we should proudly become sex objects and find it somehow acceptable because we are doing it in the name of feminism.

Oh, I know what's you are thinking: Azia!  You hypocrite!  You preach about not slut-shaming & now you are totally slut-shaming Beyonce.

I am not.  Really, I'm not.  I just don't feel like celebrating this sexual "liberation."  Beyonce may be a lion, roaring with all her might, choosing to own her sexual identity- good on her.  But just because she chooses to be an object, does not mean that objectifying women (sexual objects you guys, come on!) is suddenly okay.  

I fear the repercussions on the impressionable American (male&female) youth.  Our society is already so hyper-sexualized.  Where is the gray area?  It seems our society has one side that's shouting NO SEX ED, NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE, LET'S IGNORE SEX & the other side that thinks twerking, self-"chosen" nudity, swinging around on a wrecking ball naked & licking hammers is somehow LIBERATION.  Is there anyone else hanging out in the middle ground?  Am I the only one?  

I embrace sexual relationships, we were designed to enjoy sex.  (I have 3 children, clearly I'm not opposed to sex.)  And I will go as far as to say that I think we are doing our children a serious disservice by not providing them with a comprehensive sexual education (note: Christians- we can't hide from the world our children live in.  We can instill values of abstinence, but we need them to be aware of sex in today's society.  It's like sending them out into a battlefield unarmed.  We must arm our children.)- but I also do not agree that sexual liberation makes sexual provocativeness okay.  I do not worship sex in the way our culture seems to, apparently.

And I don't want my daughters and son to think that this behavior is okay.

I don't want my children objectifying women.

So, thanks Beyonce, for bringing this all to light.  And, I think you have the star-power to get a lot more people talking about the equality of sexes in this country.  Really, I appreciate this.

But I can't pretend that I appreciate the way you've chosen to deliver your message.  I can't pretend that I like the type of feminism you are showcasing.  I can't pretend that objectifying women, even self-chosen objectification, is somehow not objectification.

So thanks, but also, I'm not that excited about it.

You can watch the performance here:

Get More:
2014 VMA, Artists.MTV, Beyoncé, MTV VMA Video Vanguard (Medley), Music, More Music Videos

Again, On Depression

The thing about depression is that it never really goes away.  Once you've had depression/been depressed (however you want to refer to it), that depression will always be a part of you.

I've struggled with depression since I was a little girl.  I was 5 years old and dreaming of the walls closing in on me, waking just before I was flattened into an Azia-pancake, gasping for air, crying and wishing I had never been born.  Obviously, being only 5 years old, I had no idea that what I was feeling was a depression.  I was in kindergarten!  Depression has been with me for at least 23 years, sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow.

I remember fighting with God at that early age, I was sad so sad.  I thought that God couldn't possibly be real & if he was: I was clearly not one of his people because he didn't care about me at all.  I would cry out to him, Why did you put me on this planet?  Why can't you just take me back?  I don't want to be here.  I wish I wasn't alive.  He never answered me, or so I thought.  I'm sure it was his gentle hand that lead me through each day, Him that calmed my heart enough so that I was able to fall back asleep.

That's some deep stuff for a little kid to battle, no wonder I was such a little weirdo.  Seriously, I was such a weirdo.  Growing up, it was the books that saved me.  I read from dawn until dusk.  Getting lost in the stories of other peoples lives.  I even kept at notebook, writing before I could really write.

I was reading at a college level in second grade and was pulled out of my classes for special lessons; which lead to lots & lots of bullying.  Which made my depression worse.  Already feeling strange, and sad, and then being teased for the one thing that truly brought me joy did not do much for my self confidence.

It's terrible: but I've never identified with a fictional character, like I do with April Wheeler from Revolutionary Road.

I've previously written about my tendency to make depression an idol & I've really gone out of my way to keep myself from being held hostage by this lingering cloud that seems to darken even the sunniest of days sometimes.  That's exactly what I'm saying when I say depression never really leaves you: it's not something that can be cured, it can only be managed.  And, sometimes, like all things, it wants to crawl out of it's cage and breathe.  But, you must learn to tame the beast or it will destroy you.

It's cyclic, depression-you  feel good, feel great, feel really great, feel alright, feel off, feel sad, feel really freaking sad, feel okay, feel good, feel better than good, feel great, feel really great...  and then back to the pits.  Some stages last longer than others.  You could go from feeling low to feeling great in one day, and stay great for days, weeks, months or vice versa. It's quite unpredictable.  And, usually once you think you've figured out your "cycle", it goes and changes it up on you.

If it was the 1800's- we'd all be crazy. Source

Nowadays, there are a plethora of things you can do to manage all of the sadness: therapy, medication, service to others & now my go-to: constant communication with God.  But, you have to realize something: with depression you will never be "cured"- if you are searching for a cure, just stop.  The only thing you can do is learn how manage and minimize the depression.

Me?  Well I take a small dose of Zoloft (because, let's be real: what kind of 5 year old has depression?  Probably one whose brain doesn't quite work right), I stay in The Word & seek out communion with other believers, I openly discuss my struggles with my closest friends and family (Sarah (Atheist, I might add) & Garrett are my safest of places, among a few others), and I've decided it's time for me to give therapy one more shot because I feel I have a lot of work that needs to be done in a certain area that I can't seem to move past.  I think abuse is like depression, it never really leaves you: you just have to learn to exist with it.  I need therapy to help show me the tools needed to do this successfully.

There is an awesome TEDtalk from Andrew Solomon called "Depression: The Secret We Share" - Sarah sent this to me back in January and it really brought a unique perspective to both managing depression and understanding that it's okay to stay on medication for life.



 - one of my favorite lines from the talk is "Shutting out the depression strengthens it. While you hide from it, it grows. And the people who do better are the ones who are able to tolerate the fact that they have this condition. Those who can tolerate their depression are the ones who achieve resilience."

But, that is exactly it: don't shut it out: but don't make it an idol-- just acknowledge, do what you can to manage and be strengthened through it.  I know that I would not be the person I am today without realizing my need for God.  I know that isn't the case for everyone, as I have many Atheist friends.  But, I couldn't imagine dealing with this hole in my heart, without having God to ask for peace and strength.  There is this song that is often my anthem on my hard days: I will rage and cry and feel joy while I listen to it:

There are days that nothing works.  Where the "Yellow Wallpaper" seems like a reality.  But, it's just a phase.  It will pass.  Sometimes I have to fake it, smile, and go through the motions.  Because, soon enough the cycle will begin and I will be fine.

I've asked this before: but, Dear Readers: do any of you struggle with depression?  Or know someone who does? What do you do to manage the rain clouds?  

WAR FANTASY

I have this fantasy and it is the same every time.

Somehow, all of the people in the world are all in the Middle East, or maybe we are in Africa somewhere, or South America (most recently we were all in Gaza).

Sadly, there is usually a lot of blood and smoke.

All of the women stand together in a line with their children, holding hands and they say THIS NEEDS TO END.  THIS VIOLENCE NEEDS TO END.

And slowly, the men come together and join the women.

Everyone nods in acknowledgement, they smile, they shake hands, they join hands.

And all of the fighting stops.

But, this will never happen.  1) because (obviously) getting all of the worlds population in one place is basically impossible and 2) even more impossible is getting everyone on board with choice:

Choice to follow God in the way they choose.
Choice to marry whomever they want.
Choice to dress how they see fit.
Choice on whether or not to have a child.
Choice on who should lead the government.

CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE.

We don't want to let people choose, we want to tell them what they should choose- and when they don't choose what we want, we destroy them (both figuratively and literally.)

I know the many reasons for war are much more complicated than what the above touches on (for instance: POWER MONEY MONEY POWER)- but is it?

            What is all of this fighting for?

When will enough be enough?

I just don't understand.

Something Beautiful For YOU

Wanted to quickly share this because it's too beautiful not to share.

Hey, Your Liberal is Showing

I try not to write on this space when I'm angry.  When revamping my online life a few years ago, that was one of my explicit rules: no blogging in the midst of anger.  I haven't been perfect, but I've been trying very hard to follow that rule.

But, I'm angry and there is no denying it.  I'm angry about the SCOTUS decision.  I'm so angry about Hobby Lobby that I spent most of my day yesterday upset about it, constantly worrying about the "free" world I've brought two daughters into, stressing about the man I hope my son becomes, angry with the blind support, and angry that as a Liberal Christian-- I don't have many who share my stance.

Seeing all this hate on the Internet towards Christians, who are shoving their "religion" down the throats of our countries women.  Seeing the generalized statements that Christians hate women.  And, on the other side of it, having to acknowledge that the waves of support I did see for the SCOTUS decision came from the Conservative Christians that I know.

So, here I am, again, not sure what to do or what to say.

You guys, there are Feminist Christians.  NOT ALL CHRISTIANS are who you think they are.  But, I'm beginning to see that most of us that are Liberal Christians are scared, so scared to acknowledge our Liberal stance because, both sides will find ways to break down your arguments.  But, you know what?  I don't care anymore.  My liberal is showing and I am not tucking it in.

Are you my friend and also an uber-conservative Christian who is happy about the SCOTUS decision?  Great.  We don't see eye to eye on this but I'm pretty sure we are still friends.  I mean, I know I'm still your friend, can you still be mine?

Are you a non-believer who thinks all the terrible things in this country are the fault of the Christians?  Well, shit.  I'm pretty embarrassed for my fellow Christians, that we've lead you to feel this way.  We also don't see eye to eye, but I'm pretty sure we are also still friends.  And, hopefully through our friendship, you'll see that not all Christians fit into a little box.

So, now that we've gotten that out of the way- I'm going to talk about the absurdity of this decision and the implications it has for women in our progressive society.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, The Affordable Care Act (more commonly known in a condescending tone as Obamacare) mandated that 20 forms of birth control be included in employee medical coverage. (I am going to forgo discussing the absurdity that is tying ones medical coverage to their employer.)  Now, Hobby Lobby doesn't really have any issue with all 20 forms of birth control, what they have a problem with is women controlling their bodies 4 forms that they believe are abortion-aids.  (Key words there: they believe.)  These for forms consists of IUD's (intro-uterine devices) and Plan B, more commonly known as the morning after pill.

Now, if I have done my research correctly, Hobby Lobby will still be extending coverage to the 16 forms of birth control they deem acceptable: birth control pills.  If anyone has any research to the contrary, let me know.

Anyway, I digress.  So, what is Hobby Lobby's issue with these other forms of Birth Control?  They keep eggs from implanting into the lining of a woman's uterus and so this to them equals an abortion.  Now, I am no medical expert, but I do know that 70% of fertilized eggs do not implant into the uterine wall anyway.  IUD's are a form of birth control that keeps a woman's uterine wall thin so that it isn't vialble to carry a pregnancy.  The Morning After Pill brings on a woman's period before anything has been implanted into the uterus, so that she is not able to get pregnant.  If a woman is already pregnant (aka implantation has already occurred) the morning after pill will not work.  I'd like to point out a keyword here: WOMAN.

A woman should have the choice to use whichever form of birth control she deems appropriate for her body.  The woman may have this womb, but God entrusted that womb to her.  What she decides to do with her womb, is between her and God.  God gave this WOMAN the choice to care for HER BODY in the way SHE DEEMS appropriate.

This is not a victory against the Obama Administration.  This is not a victory for Religious Freedom.

This is an attack on women.  

And the Pandora's Box that will be opened thanks to this incredibly dangerous ruling will have severe implications for us all.

Women, don't you see?  Don't you care?

I just, I'm so angry.

And you should be too.

The Innovation of Loneliness

Watch this:

I came across the above video ironically on my Facebook mini-feed.  I'm going to go ahead and forego the skepticism I typically display when viewing statistical findings (Polling a small portion of the population and using that as a basis for the entire population?  Um, no thanks.) and humor the content in this video because,

1. It's fascinating

2. It's my blog and I do what I want 

(Ten points to you if you read that in Cartman's "whateva whateva I do what I want" voice.)

I feel like I have discussed this feeling with so many different people at varying times in my life.  All of them different people, in different seasons and life stages, with varying world views- yet, they/we all suffered from a common ailment: loneliness.  In an age of Facebook, SnapChat, Instagram, Twitter, etc etc-- they all (myself included) have asked the same million-dollar question: How can I be lonely when I have so many different ways to keep in touch with people?

This video really highlights the answer to that million dollar question: we are building a ton of surface relationships and not going any deeper than that.  It's when you dive into the depths (and heaven forbid, actually get to know someone so well that they can sometimes disappoint you or say things that may even upset you) with people that true connections are made.  The kind of connections that make you feel like maybe you aren't so alone in this world.

If people are becoming the edited versions of themselves (the instant message & texting conversations, the tweets, the status updates, the carefully selected filtered profile photo) that they carefully present to the world- you get a glossed over version of the real person.  You don't see them when they are run down, or sad, or contemplating upping their dose of Zoloft because suddenly they are feeling a little weird again.

When we step away from the screens, it becomes scary.  There are no filters in real life, and even if you wear a mask, at some point, it will slip from your face: exposing the real you.  And heaven forbid if someone doesn't approve of the real you.  It's one thing if you're removed from someone's friends list-- but to be ignored in real life- that can burn.  And who wants to willingly step into the line of fire?

But, the fact remains that if you are lonely it's because too much of your connections of surface.

Unless we go out of our way to dive below the surface, striping down to our birthday suit to go skinny dipping in that murky undercurrent with people, we will continue to be lonely because we aren't truly connecting.  Even the self-proclaimed hipster "I hate everyone" person (you know the type, or maybe you're the type, I used to be the type) needs real connection.  It is our human nature.

So, I guess what I'm proposing is this: let's all put ourselves out there a little more, okay?  Let that freak flag fly without the worry that maybe the flag would look a little cooler with an Instagram filter applied- because, baby, you're beautiful and I want to get to know the real you.

Help Katie : Senseless Domestic Violence

Sometimes there are no words.   Sometimes monstrosities of this magnitude render us speechless. I'd like to share this news story with you:

 

Katie is the cousin of one of my close friends from high school.  Her family and friends are asking for our help to raise money for the cost of Katie's medical bills.  I'm asking you guys to pray, donate (if you can- any little bit helps) and to share Katie's story with as many people as you can.

You can donate here.

“Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been.” 

-Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

You are NOT a SLUT (Women Empowering Women) Pt. 2

Last time, I shared some of my history with the word slut.  I also had a broad introduction discussing slut-shaming in the news and shared the music video of naked Miley Cyrus on the the wrecking ball.  Be sure to read Part 1 before reading Part 2!

Now I'd like to explore celebrity culture a bit further.  Why are celebrities dressing this way?  Simply because our society not only allows it, but basically insists upon it.  We buy their brands.  We listen to their music.  We watch their television shows.  We financially support this way of thinking and therefore perpetuate it.  But, as a society we are demanding this type of behavior from women and then in the same breath, shaming them for their behavior.

We are teaching our daughters that in order to be attractive, they must be sexy.

There is one celebrity coming to mind right now (though I know there are obviously others) that does not exploit her body yet has immeasurable success.  I'm talking about you, Adele.  But, unfortunately for Adele, she isn't sexy enough despite her incredible talent.  She has been criticized for her appearance by designer Karl Lagerfeld:

"The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat".

and the ever awesome (sarcasm font) Joan Rivers (please tell me she drives you crazy too?):

"She's a chubby lady who's very, very rich, and she should just calm down — or lose weight!" 

source

Adele isn't the only celebrity mocked because of her weight, Kim Kardashian and other "sexier" celebrities are scrutinized for their weight as well.  And, this, especially as women, should bother you.  Adele is incredibly talented and beautiful, as our these other women, yet they are constantly objectified.; seen as little more than flesh.

So how can these women reclaim their image/self/flesh?  They have no choice but to take the power away and reclaim it as their own.

What are we teaching out girls that this is what female empowerment looks like?

Yes, I am saying that this over-sexualized female empowerment movement, if you'll allow me to call  it a movement, is a direct result of the belittlement and objectification of women.   We are teaching our girls that their bodies mean nothing.  When a woman cannot walk through a University, regardless if it's in the United States or Egypt, without being treated like less than a person because of her physical appearance, we are creating an environment where the opposite becomes desirable: you do not own my body and I will use it any way that I like. America, in many ways, may be ahead of the game, because it is our pop stars that are continually making headlines for their risky behavior.  But, we have to keep in mind that women were second class citizens less than a hundred years ago.

No self respecting woman should wish or work for the success of a party that ignores her self.

We are living in an age where the direct result of women not being acknowledged because of our genitals has lead women, especially those in the public eye, to use their sex as a tool of power.  This power struggle and "empowerment" is dangerous because it gives men, and unfortunately, women, reason to disrespect one another.  Taking away the power completely, and creating a slut-shaming environment.  And, we are now seeing the results of this hyper-sexed culture and the effects it is having on our girls (and boys.)  Porn is okay.  And normal.  The average age of first time exposure to Internet pornography is 11 years old.  And the largest consumer of Internet pornography are children aged 12-17 years old.

A double-edged sword of the sharpest kind.

So, let's be clear:
Miley Cyrus, you are not your body.
Rhianna, you are not your body.
Katy Perry, you are not your body.
Kim Kardashian, you are not your body.
Adele, you are not your body.
Blond woman in Cairo, you are not your body.
YOU READING THIS, you are not your body.

So, lets get a few things straight here:

1.  We demand our female celebrities to be sexy

2.  We financially support the objectification of women

3.  Our belittlement of women in society has directly resulted in a hyper sexual empowerment movement

4.  Our children are watching pornography and seeing this images as "normal" sexuality

And then when Sally walks through the mall dressed scantily clad, we call her a slut.

Why are we allowing women to receive these mixed messages?  Be sexy, but not too sexy.  Show some skin, but not too much skin.  It's ridiculous.

And, we as women need to stop perpetuating this stuff.  We are just as much a part of the problem as men.  We need to stop allowing our bodies to be what defines us.  And, we need to stop using derogatory terms to insult the women we may not like or get along with.  It is not okay for you to call anyone a slut.  Unless you see someone physically receiving money for a sexual favor, prostitution should not be the first insult that comes to your mind.  We need to change the way our brains are wired in regards to insulting other women.  (Really, we should all try to stop insulting one another in general, because it's not nice... but, I think that's obvious.)

So, besides not using the word SLUT (let's please take away the POWER behind this word!) -- look at what you're supporting and teaching the girls that come behind you.  How are you using your body?  Do you respect it?

Much introspection needs to be practiced in regards to this issue-- because you are NOT a slut and neither is the girl that is wearing a low cut shirt and talking to your boyfriend at the bar. 

My Questions for YOU:
What are your thoughts on our hyper-sexed celebrity culture?
What about the media/society's continual objectification of women by focusing on their bodies?
What would you consider empowering behavior for a women in this modern world?
-----------
This post may seem incomplete, and that's because it is.  This is Part Two in a Three Part Series.  
Part One
Part Two

Next week I'll be bringing everything together from the previous posts and asking you for solutions.

Depression As Idol

For those of you that either know me in real life, or have been following my blogs since the azia said what? days- you very well know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life.  I spent a great deal of my 28 years unmedicated and untreated-- not really aware of the extent of my mental battles or how serious/necessary it was to treat such things.

I just kind of decided/haphazardly approached my early years with the mentality that my moods were just a part of the "whole package" and had a really crappy "take it or leave it" attitude.  You know, kind of like those stupid Marilyn Monroe quotes that are always floating around Pinterest:

source

In reality- I learned life is much more like this:

You don't get to just be angry and depressed and treat everyone like garbage and just expect it to be okay... because, you are, well, sick.

I wish I could tell you that I learned this before becoming a mother, but unfortunately I carried this attitude for the first couple of years that my daughter was alive and I'm really ashamed that That Azia was a mother.  Depression is an ugly, ugly thing.  It can push people to the brink, to suicide.  It ruins lives. And, as concious, self-aware individuals we need to be strong enough to conquer this ugly enemy set to destroy our hearts and minds.

About three years ago, I tried therapy.  It was not a pretty experience.  The woman, or I guess I should say, the therapist, had on these terribly dorky folded down socks (they gathered around the ankles in a lumpy mess) and I found myself unable to focus on anything but the damn socks.  We're sitting here, attempting to discuss this newly opened vault of all things terrible, and there I was wondering why the hell she wore her socks like that.  I was also put on Celexa during that time and long story short, that was not the right medication for me.  I became a bedridden, lazy sloth.  And honestly, found myself more depressed on it than off of it.  I stopped taking the medication.  I stopped going to therapy with sock-lady and was kind of doing all right for a while.

But, 6 weeks after my son was born, I found myself feeling off again.  I explained some of my struggles to my OBGYN during a routine postpartum appointment.  We discussed how I was so afraid to drive that I rarely drove anywhere at all.  That I was so terrified of uncontrolled intersections or places that only had two-way stops, that I had figured out how to completely avoid them in the town that I lived in.  I explained how I just worried in general about everything to the point of exhaustion.  That I was irritable and sometimes just sad, even when I was so happy, for no reason at all.  (I didn't share about the downward spirals, or the crying fits, locking myself in the bathroom or how receiving bad news often made me feel suicidal and intense self-loathing because, well, that was embarrassing.)  Regardless of my withholding of certain issues, she prescribed me a very low dose of Zoloft.

I was afraid to try medication after my initial experience on Celexa had been so terrible.  But, I knew that I needed something to be a better human being and that eventually my children would notice my depression and anxiety if I didn't get it under control.  Zoloft gave me the ability to think slower and with more intention and rationality.  Zoloft made me realize that just because I'm in a car, that it does not mean I'm going to be t-boned by a random driver just because.  Zoloft allowed me to slow down.

During this time of peace, I became a Christian.  A turning point for me was when I read this piece of scripture:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way so that you can stand up under it. -1 Corinthians 10:13

Tempted.  Beyond what you can bear.  HOLY SHIT. (haha, holy, get it?) GOD THINKS I'M A BAD ASS.  I sat there just soaking in that piece of scripture.  There was nothing that I could go through that I was unable to handle or that was so awful, that it is something unheard of to mankind.  Basically, I understood that it was time to put my big girl pants on and saddle up for the ride that is life.

Bad things happen.  Worrying about bad things happening does not change them from happening.  Dwelling on bad things that have happened in the past will not change the outcome of what has already come to pass.

Depression and Anxiety STEAL OUR JOY. I resolved to never let them steal my joy, or give me an excuse to steal another's joy, ever again.

But, alas- depression and anxiety can be a sneaky devilish trickster.  The more I resolved to better myself, the more I was tempted to fall into my old was of thinking.  But, I continued to to pass each test with flying colors by staying close to God, speaking openly about my trials with my husband and, with the help of my good friend, Zoloft.

Last September that changed. I discovered I was pregnant again.  Which meant, no more Zoloft for me.  We went through a lot as a family since then: job changes, moving, heartbreaking and painful dialogue with relatives, petty issues- you name it.  Anything that would typically derail me, I was tempted with.  And actually got through without my Zoloft.

Until about 2 weeks ago. 

Depression has decided to sneak up on me.  Maybe it's all the chaos with the move (have I mentioned we are moving in 2 weeks?  When I'm 36 weeks pregnant?)-- HORMONES, obviously, and a lot of other weird stuff that has been playing mind games with me.  

Then today, I was sitting with a group of ladies at my Tuesday bible study and it just clicked.  Depression and Anxiety have become an Idol for me.  I let my worry and my troubles stand between me and God.  Stand between me and happiness.  Realizing that right then snapped me out of it.  

Who would think that depression, of all things, could be an idol?  But, I am here to tell you that I've spent my entire life allowing that very thing control my life.  In a way, I was worshiping depression.  How sick is that?  But, isn't that sin?  And human nature?  Sickness?

I will be fighting this sin for the rest of my life.  But, from this day forward I will not allow Depression to be an Idol in my life.

Do you have any Idols?  Have you ever suffered from depression or anxiety?

You are NOT a SLUT (Women Empowering Women) - Pt.1

Let's talk about sluts, shall we?  Warning- I'm about to use this word a lot, so don't be alarmed.  The word has no power here.

A little less than two weeks ago, I read about a blonde woman in a pink top who walked through a University in Cairo and found herself the victim of sexual harassment.  

"This girl entered the university wearing an abaya (loose cloak) and then took it off in the faculty, and appeared with those clothes, that caused, in reality… the incident," University Dean Nassar was quoted.

Obviously had the woman not dressed so provocatively, she wouldn't have had to deal with these men. Clearly men are beasts who cannot control themselves when a pretty woman walks by.  Hopefully you could see the use of the sarcasm font in the last two sentences.

This happens to be the unfortunate reality that we are facing: there are many people who would blame the incident on the woman citing that men simply cannot control themselves.  Not only is this way of thinking dangerous, it is insulting to males and belittling to women.

She shouldn't have worn such a low cut shirt if she didn't want me to comment/touch/stare at her
breasts.
If her skirt wasn't so short, maybe the men wouldn't spend so much time trying to see under it.
If she didn't want to be objectified, she shouldn't have worn clothes that clung so tightly to her body.

These types of statements, that a woman is asking for it don't just happen overseas.  It's happening here in the USA too.  Re: Steuebeville Rape Case. Take a look at this list from Buzzfeed: 23 People Who Think The Steubenville Rape Victim is to Blame.  Do you see how many times the words "slut" and "whore" are used to describe the victim?  How she is repeatedly blamed for the cruelty of others?

Look at number 14 on the list, "I feel bad for the two young guys .... they did what most people in their position would have done."  Wait, what?  Most guys, when presented with a girl who drank too much (to the point of becoming comatose) would decide it would be fun to strip a girl down naked, take videos and photos of said girl, and do very serious atrocities to her and her body?  It's just in a man's nature?  I don't think so.

Let's move our focus away from the news, and look into celebrity culture.  We can't forget the most famous slut of all right now:



Oh Miley, you scandalous little nudist.  Our culture hates and loves you simultaneously, don't we?  Miley isn't the only scantily clad female celeb out there.  You can't find one that isn't almost nude, if not totally nude nowadays.  To be an American Female Celebrity- there is one rule: Clothing Optional.

But this isn't a new-trend.  At least not for Millennials.  In 2000, I was in the eighth grade when I gave a speech on the over-sexualization of pop-stars and the effects it was having on young girls.  My visual aid?  Many photographs on the overhead projector (who remembers them?) and a recording of Britney Spears' performance of I'm a Slave for You at the MTV Awards.  Millennials have been spoon-fed this hyper sexed up standard of women for most, if not all of their (our) lives.

I'm going to ask you to hold that thought.  We will come back to these stories later on.

For those of us who are my age or older, think back to your high school or college years.  Maybe even as far back as middle school.  Can you recall someone saying (or you yourself saying) that someone was a "slut."  Now, think back to the reasons that person was being called a slut-- was it how they were dressed?  Or maybe they had more sexual partners than deemed "socially acceptable."  Furthermore, I want you to think about the situation and switch the girl to a boy (ie- tight shirt that maybe revealed he had nice muscles, or maybe he has lengthy list of sexual partners), would he have been celebrated or shamed?

Who wants to put their money on the man being celebrated?

The infamous pudding boobs from Now and Then.
Image Source.

I'm going to get personal with you for a few minutes and share some of my own experiences.  I became a woman in the 6th grade (yes, I was 11 years old when I "flowered.")  That following summer before the seventh grade, my chest went from nonexistent/flat-as-board to a C-cup.  You can imagine how awesome seventh grade was for me.  (note: again, sarcasm font.)  Rumors of my bra stuffing were prevalent.  My favorite rumor was the one about a boy named Spencer who had "accidentally" spilled chocolate milk on my shirt which resulted in my boobs deflating on the spot.  Because I had big boobs, never mind that I hadn't even kissed a boy, I was a slut.  A slut who stuffed her bra.

About halfway through the year, other students started to find better things to talk about (I mean, there were kids having actual sex! That made for much meatier gossip), other girls started to get boobs (Nicole!  I'm looking at you if you're reading this!  You too Ashley!), and I had swimming during my gym hour- clearly it was not feasible that I stuffed my bra, my boobs were still there, alive and well, when I was in the water.

In college, there were girls who didn't like me.  What do you think their go-to derogatory term would be?  You guessed it, slut.  A few years back, these two girls had "friended" me on Facebook.  During the time they had known and seriously disliked me, I was an Atheist.  Since parting ways, I had become a Christian.  One of the girls posted this hilarious e-card a few days after my ever-forgiving nature accepted their friend requests:

Image Source.

I'm not stupid.  I knew they were having a go at me.  But the best part?  I was never a slut.  I have never been a slut.  I will never be a slut.  I was annoyed, but a married woman with two kids.  I mean, how much time can you really dwell on such things?

I will admit it didn't feel good.  Even when things are untrue or unjustified, it still hurts when people treat you that way.

I've also been the one to dish it out.  When I was 19 years old, and found myself cheated on, what do you think I called the other woman?  Whore.  When I got in a fight with a very good friend of mine who was very open sexually, what do you think I shouted at her?  Slut.  And to think, during that time I was a self-proclaimed feminist.  Despicable.

It's embarrassing.  And I'm ashamed.  Especially now that I am a Christian.  To have placed such judgement on other women makes me sick to my stomach.

Which makes me wonder why, we, as women, continue to call other women such derogatory names?  I think of that line in the movie Mean Girls, where after complete pandemonium, the female students have been huddled into the gym for discussion and punishment.  Their teacher Mrs. Norbury says:

 "You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores."

Amen, Mrs. Norbury!  Women divided is women weakened.  We must empower one another.  I've seen too many girls cry because of this.  And, often times, the person belittling them was another woman.  The ultimate betrayal.

We are going to stop there for now, but I have some questions for you:

Have you ever been called a slut?  How did it make you feel?  Have you ever called someone else a slut?  Have you ever found yourself blaming the victim?  How do you feel about Millennial female celebrities and their lack of modesty?

***
This post may seem incomplete, and that's because it is.  This is Part One in a Three Part Series.  
Part One
Part Two
Next week I will be expanding on the hypersexed cultural and the reasons behind it.  Hope to see you soon!