Sin Patterns

There's so much going on day-to-day and often times, my to-do list seems so freaking daunting that I neglect to spend time nurturing my spirit.

Even before I became a Christian, I felt a soul, my soul.  My friend Katie would often say that I can't possibly be an Atheist because I was so spiritual and in-tune with that part of myself.  (Looks like she was right, ha!)  Your spirit is crucial to every aspect of your life.  If you are not in tune with the part of you that isn't physical, everything around you suffers.  How you interpret situations and how you handle them, it all becomes skewed.

For me, as a Christian, nurturing the spirit means spending time in the word, praying, and meditating on scripture.  When I am feeling super frazzled and defeated, 9 times out of 10 I will realize that I (coincidentally) have been on a streak of spiritual neglect.  With 3 children, and being the stereotypical neurotic writer, you can see how that could be seriously detrimental to my well-being.

A couple weeks ago, we attended a new sermon-series at our church, Cleaning Up My Side of the Road.  This particular sermon focused on "Sin Patterns" (you can watch here.)  Let me tell you, it was a smack in the face.  Though, it was probably the first time I actually welcomed the smack in the face with open arms.

I was jotting notes down like a maniac:

"Your journey with Jesus will consistently be derailed when sin patterns remain unchecked."
"Your side of the road can cause GENERATIONAL DAMAGE."
"If you doubt that the maker and creator of you loves you, you will spend the rest of your life chasing that love."
"Religion says: clean up your sin.  But a relationship with God says: clean up your heart."

I cannot let the neglect of my spirit, and my very needed relationship with God, derail my journey through this life.  If I allow this to happen, I could cause generational damage (!!!!).  I could be setting up my children s children for hardship/strife/all of the terrible things.

And, wow.  Don't even get me started on the entire "chasing love-thing."  I think that basically sums up who I was from the ages of 15 to 23 years old (maybe still, sometimes?... On my "emo" days!  I hate admitting that.)

We went through healthy steps to begin cleaning up your side of the road:
1. Identify the Pattern
2. Identify Obvious Disruptures
3. Clarify the REAL ISSUE

                   "What comes out of you, starts with what's in you."
                           
We were given time to pray and think about our patterns.  I wrote:

I get so angry, and then so sad.  I hate that I cannot control my emotions, it makes me feel weak.  That opens up the window to intense self-loathing and I begin cycling through each instance in my life where I feel that I have failed, where I feel I've been "bad" or done something wrong.  Once I get too far into my past, I start to feel angry again over things that happened to me that I had no control over and that anger becomes this living breathing fear of adulthood-- that maybe I'm ill equipped to become a functioning adult.  And that's when the anxiety sets in, I start thinking about the future.  The future.  The future.  Do I even deserve a future?  I don't deserve a good future.  My poor children! They deserve a much better mother.  Those thoughts take over my brain and then I feel depressed.  And that depression makes me angry.  And then we are right back where we started.

My pattern of sin is Anger > Anxiety > Depression and the vast universe of emotions that encompass those individual states of mind.  And, since I was a teenager, that has always been my issue, or at least the root cause of my myriad of issues.  For a very, very long time I did not have God.  I did not feel loved.  I sure as hell did not love my self.  So, I went looking for love in all of the wrong places, which usually resulted in my doing things that made me loathe myself even more.  Which would make me depressed and then angry.  And, usually, I'd eventually explode on someone who didn't deserve it because I had been pushing so much down, that I'd finally burst.  (Yeah, I was kind of an asshole.  I'm really sorry.)

We were asked to identify the things that disrupt us.  I'm still working out the answer to that one.  I know there is no simple answer and I want to spend a lot of time searching this one out.

Finally, we spent time clarifying the real issue.  I wrote:

I'm afraid no one really loves the true, messy, me.  I'm afraid that God doesn't love me as much as he loves the sons of this world, strictly because I am a woman.  Sometimes that keeps me from asking God for the guidance I need.  At the end of the day, my issues all stem from love: self-love, love from others, love from God.

So, now I'm left with a bit of clarity but also more questions.  Oddly enough, it does bring me some peace though.  I feel a bit more armed in the attacks on me and my self-esteem.  Because, really, at the end of the day: depression, anxiety, and anger, those are coming from a place of insecurity and learned survival tactics.  I am no longer a naive little girl who is merely surviving life.  I am a woman of God who, when I lean on The Creator can thrive. But, I do know that I will be hashing out my feelings towards God+Woman for awhile.  I've luckily found an incredible woman to mentor me, and maybe she can help me through the vast expanse of questions I have.

What are YOUR sin patterns?

I know a lot of you are not Christians, so the word "sin" does not have any bearing on how you identify your emotions.  But, I'm still interested in the things that disrupt your life in a negative way- what are your go to downfalls?  How do you pick yourself up again?  Is there a pattern?

Depression As Idol

For those of you that either know me in real life, or have been following my blogs since the azia said what? days- you very well know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life.  I spent a great deal of my 28 years unmedicated and untreated-- not really aware of the extent of my mental battles or how serious/necessary it was to treat such things.

I just kind of decided/haphazardly approached my early years with the mentality that my moods were just a part of the "whole package" and had a really crappy "take it or leave it" attitude.  You know, kind of like those stupid Marilyn Monroe quotes that are always floating around Pinterest:

source

In reality- I learned life is much more like this:

You don't get to just be angry and depressed and treat everyone like garbage and just expect it to be okay... because, you are, well, sick.

I wish I could tell you that I learned this before becoming a mother, but unfortunately I carried this attitude for the first couple of years that my daughter was alive and I'm really ashamed that That Azia was a mother.  Depression is an ugly, ugly thing.  It can push people to the brink, to suicide.  It ruins lives. And, as concious, self-aware individuals we need to be strong enough to conquer this ugly enemy set to destroy our hearts and minds.

About three years ago, I tried therapy.  It was not a pretty experience.  The woman, or I guess I should say, the therapist, had on these terribly dorky folded down socks (they gathered around the ankles in a lumpy mess) and I found myself unable to focus on anything but the damn socks.  We're sitting here, attempting to discuss this newly opened vault of all things terrible, and there I was wondering why the hell she wore her socks like that.  I was also put on Celexa during that time and long story short, that was not the right medication for me.  I became a bedridden, lazy sloth.  And honestly, found myself more depressed on it than off of it.  I stopped taking the medication.  I stopped going to therapy with sock-lady and was kind of doing all right for a while.

But, 6 weeks after my son was born, I found myself feeling off again.  I explained some of my struggles to my OBGYN during a routine postpartum appointment.  We discussed how I was so afraid to drive that I rarely drove anywhere at all.  That I was so terrified of uncontrolled intersections or places that only had two-way stops, that I had figured out how to completely avoid them in the town that I lived in.  I explained how I just worried in general about everything to the point of exhaustion.  That I was irritable and sometimes just sad, even when I was so happy, for no reason at all.  (I didn't share about the downward spirals, or the crying fits, locking myself in the bathroom or how receiving bad news often made me feel suicidal and intense self-loathing because, well, that was embarrassing.)  Regardless of my withholding of certain issues, she prescribed me a very low dose of Zoloft.

I was afraid to try medication after my initial experience on Celexa had been so terrible.  But, I knew that I needed something to be a better human being and that eventually my children would notice my depression and anxiety if I didn't get it under control.  Zoloft gave me the ability to think slower and with more intention and rationality.  Zoloft made me realize that just because I'm in a car, that it does not mean I'm going to be t-boned by a random driver just because.  Zoloft allowed me to slow down.

During this time of peace, I became a Christian.  A turning point for me was when I read this piece of scripture:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way so that you can stand up under it. -1 Corinthians 10:13

Tempted.  Beyond what you can bear.  HOLY SHIT. (haha, holy, get it?) GOD THINKS I'M A BAD ASS.  I sat there just soaking in that piece of scripture.  There was nothing that I could go through that I was unable to handle or that was so awful, that it is something unheard of to mankind.  Basically, I understood that it was time to put my big girl pants on and saddle up for the ride that is life.

Bad things happen.  Worrying about bad things happening does not change them from happening.  Dwelling on bad things that have happened in the past will not change the outcome of what has already come to pass.

Depression and Anxiety STEAL OUR JOY. I resolved to never let them steal my joy, or give me an excuse to steal another's joy, ever again.

But, alas- depression and anxiety can be a sneaky devilish trickster.  The more I resolved to better myself, the more I was tempted to fall into my old was of thinking.  But, I continued to to pass each test with flying colors by staying close to God, speaking openly about my trials with my husband and, with the help of my good friend, Zoloft.

Last September that changed. I discovered I was pregnant again.  Which meant, no more Zoloft for me.  We went through a lot as a family since then: job changes, moving, heartbreaking and painful dialogue with relatives, petty issues- you name it.  Anything that would typically derail me, I was tempted with.  And actually got through without my Zoloft.

Until about 2 weeks ago. 

Depression has decided to sneak up on me.  Maybe it's all the chaos with the move (have I mentioned we are moving in 2 weeks?  When I'm 36 weeks pregnant?)-- HORMONES, obviously, and a lot of other weird stuff that has been playing mind games with me.  

Then today, I was sitting with a group of ladies at my Tuesday bible study and it just clicked.  Depression and Anxiety have become an Idol for me.  I let my worry and my troubles stand between me and God.  Stand between me and happiness.  Realizing that right then snapped me out of it.  

Who would think that depression, of all things, could be an idol?  But, I am here to tell you that I've spent my entire life allowing that very thing control my life.  In a way, I was worshiping depression.  How sick is that?  But, isn't that sin?  And human nature?  Sickness?

I will be fighting this sin for the rest of my life.  But, from this day forward I will not allow Depression to be an Idol in my life.

Do you have any Idols?  Have you ever suffered from depression or anxiety?

New Direction

Good morning everyone!

Today is a better morning than yesterday, only because I'm becoming the worlds (okay, probably not the WORLDS) biggest complainer in regards to the weather.  Yesterday the high was 28 degrees.  But today, TODAY the high is 48.  (Imagine a very pregnant and round woman doing a little jig and insert that image here.)  This is a glorious turn of events here in Iowa.  

You may have noticed that I had to shut down the blog for a few weeks while I worked on a reformat/content redirection.  I wasn't happy with what I was publishing on this space, and there was a serious lack of focus.  There are many topics on my heart a majority of the time but I found myself not utilizing this space to tackle them.  One of the things I've completely avoided was the subject of my faith.  I have wanted to steer clear of controversy on this blog and I know that God-talk makes people uncomfortable; and from my experiences, very defensive and angry.

I'm tired of skirting around issues that may make people uncomfortable.  I'm not your typical Christian lady.  (Though, I think when a majority of people envision Christians, they think only of the assholes on the media who get upset over things like the TV Series Cosmos not discussing Creation, or the late Fred Phelps who founded the ever pleasant Westboro Baptist Church).  Most of the Christians I know are nothing like that.  Though I am much more liberal than many of those same Christians that I know.  Which in turn leaves me feeling kind of feel like an alien most days.  I'd like to be able to share with you some of my thoughts and struggles regarding being a liberal Christian.  I hope that's okay with you.

Another thing that may look a little different around here is my open discussion of both motherhood and married life.  Again, I've tried to make this blog mostly surface but I think it's time to tackle the deeper stuff. I'm a stay-at-home Mom.  I'm only 28 years old and about to have 3 children.  I suddenly drive a mini-van.  It's super weird.  But, obviously, this part of my life is a rather big one SO- I'll try really hard to not go all "Mommy-Blog" on you guys.  But, it's a possibility that some posts may be focused in that direction, as it is a major part of the life I am living.

Oh, and recipes!  I cook and bake a lot!  I want to share all of this yummy stuff with you!  Can I share some recipes here, is that okay?!

I still plan on talking about writing and books because HELLO!  I'm Azia DuPont- I am a writer and I love to read.  I'm still editing Dirty Chai.  So, those of you that enjoy that content- never fear!  It will still be here!  Cover reveals, book reviews, writing struggles-- all that content will still be a major focus of this blog.  I'm dying to be more authentic with you guys.  To share my journey as I go "One Step at a Time" -- get it?  It's the new name of my blog.  Haha.  I hope those of you who have been around since the beginning will stick around and enjoy the refocus of this space.  I hope to start some dialogue and to get to know you all that much better.  And, maybe to make a few new friends too.

I'm excited to relaunch and dive into a regular blogging schedule with a refocused energy.  Cheers to new beginnings!

The Best Terrible Week I've Ever Had

Well, remember when I said we were kind of sitting in the middle of a poo-sandwich on Monday afternoon?

It turns out, it wasn't poo.

And it wasn't a sandwich.

It was the beginning of a pretty terrible week for my family and I.  I'm not quite ready to share with the blogsphere what transpired quite yet, because it has everything to do with my hubby and really nothing to do with me // but for those of you that are married know- what happens to one partner, happens to the unit -- and I'm a SAHM (Stay At Home Momma) --- So, you could probably deduce what this could pertain to given those facts.

Let's just say that the quiet life I was questioning on Wednesday, within 24 hours became full of noise, chaos and uncertainty.

I am happy to say that through this ridiculous situation there have been quite a few silver linings/positive things to emerge.  A big one is that within 12 hours of one door closing, another much better, incredible door began the process of opening.  And for me, my character had been revealed to me-  God has definitely shown me how much I've changed and matured.

One thing about me-- my tongue was sharp.  I was easily lead by anger, and I can say with embarrassment and truth that I was one of the cruelest, most petty people that I knew.  I've realized that anger walks hand in hand with deep, untreated depression.  And I was a constant battlefield of hate: the Devil loved me.  He had a hayday with how terrible I could be.  I really think he believed he'd have me until the day I died.

Well, boy was he wrong!  I've actually mastered and practiced the art of tact, silence and GRACE.

I'm still strong and loyal-- but I'm not mean.  Just because someone I care about has been deeply, deeply wronged-- does not give me the right to put the wrongdoers in their place.  That is not my job.  My job is to be supportive to my loved ones, to smile and take care of business for my children, and to pray, pray, pray-- for guidance, wisdom, and for everyone that is involved.

I'm not perfect.  I'm far from it.  And, like everyone-- I have my critics.  I have people in my life that want to be in it for the wrong reasons, to spy, or to try and find my weakspots.  I have people in my life that still see me as the mistakes I have made, and not the woman I have become because of those mistakes.  I know there are people who even find it laughable that I have come to Christ.  I feel such saddness for that, but what can you do?  Am I supposed to see myself the way they see me?  Cry my eyes out and steep into another depression.  No way!

Never, ever be afraid to admit your faults or past wrongs-- we are all sinners.  We all sin every day in so many ways.  But do not let those things define you.  God did not put us on this Earth to hate, or despise, or to judge one another.  Leave the judging to him.  Be in tune with your spiritual life and live a life of integrity-- because at the end of the day-- you have to look in the mirror and be at peace with the mind behind those eyes.  Your thoughts and actions, your motives-- those things are between you and God.  You can't hide the truth from yourself or him.  

I have had a terrible and incredible week.  I was able to witness growth in my character and the resilience of my husband.  I also learned about the power of God and how one should not take his signs lightly.  Trust your gut-- that's God. 

I know this post was  all over the place, but there are just so many thoughts in this head of mine.  Things happen and it really makes you pause and look around, evaluating everything around you.

Thursday evening, Jason Gray was supposed to be performing a show that our church has spent an incredible amount of time promoting, but "coincidentally" he was unable to attend due to a vocal injury and  last minute (as in night before last minute) Jimmy Needham was sent in his place-- the artist whose song was on repeat in our house and in our vehicle-- the song getting us through this dark time.