Yesterday morning, I sat with my 2 youngest kids in bed and watched music videos for about a half an hour. With a newborn, I haven't had much time alone. Ideally, I'd like to wake up in the morning before the kids wake and get some time in the bible while I drink some coffee and then spend time doing a bit of writing (or reading submissions for Dirty Chai). But, due to the whole nursing-a-3-week-old-and-getting-up-a-few-times-a-night-thing, waking up early and getting any type of focused morning time hasn't really been an option. Not to mention, Eva and Abram both usually wake up before 7am (Can one of my children please like to sleep in? No? Fiiiiiiiine.) so morning "alone time" is limited to inhumanely early conditions. (My husband on the other hand gets up at the crack of dawn 80% of the time- I really admire this quality in him. For me? The struggle is real.)
Anyway, as I was sitting there watching art in the form of music, I had this thought:
There is so much art that I want to make.
But, so many hours of my day are spent not making art.
I hate to admit it, but that makes me sad in many ways. Sad isn't a great word to use. Maybe more so, embarrassingly, it makes me unsatisfied and feel a bit like a fraud. How can I be a writer/identify myself as a writer when I'm not freaking writing?
But, then God spoke these words into my heart:
You are making art every day just by living.
Are there a million projects I want to finish? (And start!) YES. But, it's just not the season of life I'm in. Just because I haven't published a book yet (I'm being optimistic here), does that mean I'm not a writer? NO.
Right now, the most important thing I can be doing is living my life and being a good mother. It is through accepting this and listening to God that I know I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I am being pruned and disciplined and, with all honesty, I'm very thankful for that. God has put these three little lives in my hands for a reason. I have much to teach them and I need to take care of them. That is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
Does that mean I give up on my art? My dreams? NO FREAKING WAY.
But, it does mean that I need to have patience with myself. It means that I need to be on God's time and not on my own. It means that I need to use each day to grow myself and my children before I worry about my own "to-do" list.
I will write when I have the time. And, some days there will be more time than others and that is great. But, I'm not going to let the days where I feel like there is no time, allow me to feel sad, unsatisfied, or like I'm not a real writer. I'm going to see this life and this season for what it is: living art. My life is my art and the art that God has created in me. And, that is pretty freaking awesome.