On Mothering & Maybe Not Expecting Too Much

As a mother, I have a tendency to share the highs much more often than the lows.  Honestly, I hate (yes, that is a strong word, but I'm going to use it here) all of these articles floating around the Internet about how (insert: depressing, hard, awful, boring, seven hells) parenting is.  I just want to shout, DID YOU THINK CHANGING 13 POOPY DIAPERS A DAY, COMMUNICATING WITH A PERSON WHO CANNOT SPEAK A HUMAN LANGUAGE, AND ALL THE DAMN LAUNDRY WOULD BE FUN ALL OF THE TIME?

I sure as hell didn't.

I'm actually going to be honest with you, I don't even really like kids.

I know how that sounds, because, well, I have three of them.  Someone that doesn't like kids should probably not have so many of them, right?  But, I love my kids.  I even really, really, LIKE my kids.  They are hilarious and smart and silly and freaking awesome.  I like my relatives children.  I like my friends children. But, I'm not going to go out of my way to do stuff with a bunch of kids.

As a stay-at-home-mom, a lot of people seem to suggest that I should run a daycare.  WHY WOULD I WANT TO HAVE A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS AT MY HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY?  I watch one boy on Fridays, and that's enough for me.  He's super chill, the same age as Abram, and is just a cool little dude.  I can't begin to fathom what having 6 more of him would be like though.  (Well, maybe if they were as cool and easy-going as him, I'd consider it.)  But, gross.  All of the diapers and dishes and toys all over the place!  No thanks!

But, let me tell you-- I served at our church with 2nd and 3rd graders this past weekend, and it's not that it was awful, it's just not my gifting.  I don't know how to talk to kids like they are not little grown-ups.  That's why my kids have such extensive vocabularies and are experts in sarcasm before their 3rd birthdays.  Unfortunately, you can't talk to other people's children like that.  But, for some reason, kids seem to flock to me.  They always want to hang out with me, and I'm all like, "Ew."  I felt like the biggest phony-baloney for 2 straight hours, while I had my stepford wife smile plastered to my face and I had to pretend I was patient.

Elementary School Teachers- YOU ARE GODS.  Because, I could never do that.

Anyway, I digress.  Back to motherhood.

You guys, it's not easy.  I have grown two little humans in my body within 3 years, and sometimes my hormones are so out of whack that I just want to sit in the bathroom with a bottle of Pinot Noir, a giant jar of Nutella, a tube of red lipstick and laugh-cry for hours. (Can you imagine if I actually did that?  My children would be scarred for life, as I emerged from the bathroom 2 hours later, drunk, smeared red lipstick and mascara running down my cheeks, hazelnut chocolate spread all over.  Let's maybe also insert hiccups here.)  But, I don't.  I keep my shit together because I am a mother.  (At least in front of them- my poor husband, he's seen me cry too many times as I've struggled with the phrase Am I good enough?)

As parents, as mothers, we have a responsibility to our children to handle ourselves, our emotions, and our hormones.

Postpartum Depression is a very real thing.  I'm struggling with it as we speak.

But, for every meal I've slaved over that the kids don't want to eat (which, in turn, makes me want to lose my shit) there are 15 more dance parties, cuddles while we read books, art projects, and just general love to share.

These children, I am not worthy of them.  They are on loan to me until the Lord sees fit to take them back & the only thing I can control is how well I love them.

I cannot control how messy they are.
How much they choose to fight and cry that day.
If they decide to not eat a dang thing but continually ask me for popsicles.
If they fight bedtime tooth and nail and all I want is to work on my book or read Game of Thrones.

All I can do is love them.

Parenting is hard you guys.  It's not easy.  It's a lot of exhaustion, cleaning, patience-testing.  If you have three kids, you and your partner might have to pencil in sexy-time (sorry, babe!) because spontaneity just can't happen.

But, it also opens your eyes to mindfulness and giving your best.

You have to put effort into everything.  Into planning meals and effectively getting through the chores.  In recognizing the beauty and hilarity of everything.  Into making time for your partner and appreciating them.  In finding time for yourself.  In finding time for your friends.

It sounds overwhelming, and it is.  But, damn, if it doesn't make you feel alive, all of this constant mindfulness, I don't know what will.

I have a tendency to laugh a lot throughout my day.  When my kids all decide to cry at the same time, or the cat pukes on the floor and my poor son wipes out in it because I was nursing my youngest while the puking occurred and couldn't get up to clean it yet, or when my 6 year old returns home from school & is so annoyed that her baby brother is following her around asking her to play "Choo-choo trains" and all she wants to do is play barbies on her own (she usually plays with him anyway- awwww!).

Last night, I had a come-to-Jesus moment.  I had slaved over a delicious healthy dinner.  I found a recipe on Pinterest that I wanted to try- Greek Chicken, made potatoes and green beans & in general just a giant mess out of the kitchen because, well, cooking while taking care of 3 kids isn't the easiest thing.

I found out right before I'm about to put dinner on the table that my husband wasn't going to be home from work until 7pm (he had left for work at 6:30am- I was basically exhausted from over 12 hours of no back-up/relief) so I served dinner to the kids without him.  Abe mashed everything up, though he did eat a small amount- but mostly he created some sort of sculpture.  Eva licked things in disgust, complaining throughout the meal, and I held Maggie while she whaled, shoving food into my mouth with one hand because I was starving.

It was terrible you guys.  I kept thinking, Why do I even try?

It took everything I had not to bawl like a baby when my husband finally walked in the door.  He sensed my sadness, and ate his meal with such enthusiasm that I went out of my way to make sure we had special Azia-Garrett time.  (hehehe)

But, I try because I love my family, I love myself.  And to not try would not only let my family down, I would be letting myself down.

So, yes- these kids don't quite understand how defeated they can make me feel when they don't eat the food I've prepared.  But, they are kids, you guys.  They aren't trying to make me feel bad.  And, one day, they are going to remember that their mother put real food on the table every single night, and went out of her way to make sure the family sat together and prayed over their meal, that we shared about our day.

Parenting is hard you guys, but it's awesome.  I wouldn't trade these children in for anything.

I think as a society, we tend to make parenting much more than it is.  Which lands us in this territory bordering dissatisfaction.  If you are having children to fill yourselves up, you are going to continually be disappointed.  Parenting just is.  Just love your children, try your best and give yourself grace.  It isn't going to be awesome all of the time.  But, it's also not the drag that these countless articles want to make it out to be.

Khalil Gibran says it best:
“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. 
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For thir souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.”

My Life *is* Living Art

Yesterday morning, I sat with my 2 youngest kids in bed and watched music videos for about a half an hour.  With a newborn, I haven't had much time alone.  Ideally, I'd like to wake up in the morning before the kids wake and get some time in the bible while I drink some coffee and then spend time doing a bit of writing (or reading submissions for Dirty Chai).  But, due to the whole nursing-a-3-week-old-and-getting-up-a-few-times-a-night-thing, waking up early and getting any type of focused morning time hasn't really been an option.  Not to mention, Eva and Abram both usually wake up before 7am (Can one of my children please like to sleep in?  No?  Fiiiiiiiine.) so morning "alone time" is limited to inhumanely early conditions.  (My husband on the other hand gets up at the crack of dawn 80% of the time- I really admire this quality in him.  For me?  The struggle is real.)

Anyway, as I was sitting there watching art in the form of music, I had this thought:

There is so much art that I want to make.
But, so many hours of my day are spent not making art.

I hate to admit it, but that makes me sad in many ways.  Sad isn't a great word to use.  Maybe more so, embarrassingly, it makes me unsatisfied and  feel a bit like a fraud.  How can I be a writer/identify myself as a writer when I'm not freaking writing?

But, then God spoke these words into my heart:

You are making art every day just by living.

Are there a million projects I want to finish?  (And start!) YES.  But, it's just not the season of life I'm in.  Just because I haven't published a book yet (I'm being optimistic here), does that mean I'm not a writer?  NO.

Right now, the most important thing I can be doing is living my life and being a good mother. It is through accepting this and listening to God that I know I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  I am being pruned and disciplined and, with all honesty, I'm very thankful for that.  God has put these three little lives in my hands for a reason.  I have much to teach them and I need to take care of them.  That is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Does that mean I give up on my art?  My dreams?  NO FREAKING WAY.

But, it does mean that I need to have patience with myself.  It means that I need to be on God's time and not on my own.  It means that I need to use each day to grow myself and my children before I worry about my own "to-do" list.

I will write when I have the time.  And, some days there will be more time than others and that is great.  But, I'm not going to let the days where I feel like there is no time, allow me to feel sad, unsatisfied, or like I'm not a real writer.  I'm going to see this life and this season for what it is: living art.  My life is my art and the art that God has created in me.  And, that is pretty freaking awesome.

New Baby & Sibling Bags

Last Tuesday, May 27th, my youngest daughter was born.  We named her Margaret Noelle, but we all call her Maggie.  She was just over 9 pounds.  Both her and I are doing very well.  Spending a lot of time together (I am typing this with one hand, because I'm holding her with my left hand) and I am loving every second of it.  My husband has been able to take 2 weeks off of work to be home with all of us, which has been such a blessing.  

Garrett is a very hands-on Dad.  He is not one to stand back on the sidelines and watch my do everything.  I'm very fortunate that he is this way, as I know that isn't the case for everyone.  It's been so nice at night, nursing.  Garrett will wake up with me and grab me a fresh glass of ice water, change a diaper, take Maggie downstairs after I feed her so I can get a little bit of sleep.  It's been incredibly helpful.  Not to mention, he's been entertaining the older ones nonstop.  Next Monday will be my first day home alone with all 3 of them, so that should be very frightening interesting!

One of my biggest fears while preparing for a new baby was how I was going to make it special for my older two children.  Even while I was laboring, I was thinking about them nonstop.  With every painful contraction, their smiling faces appeared in my mind to help me get through it.  Even while pushing, I kept thinking how I needed to do this as fast as possible so that they could come to the hospital and meet their sister and see how much I loved all 3 of them.

One of the things I did for them was make them a special gift bag to receive once they got to the hospital.

There was a bag for each of them.  I took a photo of the contents of Eva's bag, which were virtually identical minus Abe's having Ninja Turtles and Car-Themed items as opposed to Hello Kitty and Disney Princess stuff.

1- Mini Dry-Erase Board 

2- Sticker, Crayon and Activity Book

3- Drawing Paper

4- Markers

5- T-Shirt that says "Big Sister" & "Big Brother" : I used iron-on's found at Hobby Lobby

6- Tin with some snacks and money for vending machines

The bags weren't anything too fancy, but the kids loved them and wore their shirts to the hospital the next day.  They have also been so great with Maggie.

I wasn't sure how Abram would do, not being quite 2 years old yet, and used to being the "baby."  But, he will ask to hold her and goes out of his way to check on her when she is crying and gives her lots of kisses.  Eva is just a natural, wanting to hold her and will pick her up out of her bassinet on her own. She's been a big help to me when I've needed an extra set of hands so I could go to the bathroom or something else.

Overall, Maggie's first week of life has been pretty easy and I'm very happy about it.  If you remember from my post SOMETHING ABOUT GIANT BEASTS, I had a condition called polyhydramnios during this pregnancy.  I was HUGE HUGE HUGE: full of so much fluid.  It was exhausting, and I was never comfortable.  Since the Maggie's birth I've felt so much better.  Here's a picture comparison of me 1 week postpartum and the picture I used in the aforementioned blog post:

I haven't stepped on a scale (we don't own one, thankfully.)  But, as you can see- there is probably a 30-40 pound difference just from all of that fluid loss.  Heck yes.  (Also, sorry about the messy laundry room in the  back of the current photo.)

Now that you know what I've been up to, I'd love to hear how you all are doing!

Something about GIANT BEASTS

I have this continual problem of grossly underestimating the strain of something on another thing.  (How's that for vague?  Ha.)  But, in all seriousness, I have 6 posts in "draft" mode - like Part 2 of You Are Not A Slut : Women Empowering Women (You can read Part 1 here.)  So, where in holy Hannah Montana are these posts?  Well, hmm... see-- we moved this past weekend.  And this move happens to make itself into the "things I've underestimated as to straining of other things" category.

We moved from one city in Iowa to another.  Not a big deal, right?  Apparently moving an entire household, while 35 weeks pregnant takes a lot more than I had assumed it would, and alas, find myself insanely exhausted by the end of the day.  I am embarrassed to admit (but also not as bothered by this as I typically would be) that I haven't written a single word (creatively that is) in almost 2 weeks.

Did I forget to mention that I have a rare condition in which my baby is a giant beast?   If you are good at connecting the dots, if baby is a giant beast that means I am also a giant beast.  (Really, I'm not making this up: it's called polyhydramnios.)  At my 34 week check-up, my OB measured my stomach and let me know that I in fact was measuring 43 weeks (which explains the 'Oh!  You must be ready to pop!' comments I hear about 45 times a day.)  This fact caused her a bit of distress, so she sent me straight to ultrasound to measure my little giant peanut.  Yep, she was measuring 3 weeks ahead and was already a whopping 7 pounds.  Did I mention I still have a month left of this pregnancy?

All I can focus on is trying to get this house unpacked, taking care of my children (while constantly out of breath and, well, slightly really freaking irritable: YAY HORMONES!), and not trying to stress myself out that something may be wrong with my giant beautiful daughter.

So, I promise that I will post these 6 drafts soon.  I've got baby brain like crazy.  And, since I'm super attractive right now, can I get the beautiful people pass?

Number Three is Cookin'!

I'll keep this short and sweet--

I'm pregnant!  Just about 13 weeks.  Baby #3 is due May 31, 2014.

Which means-- we officially will be a family of 5-- AKA will be purchasing a car big enough to fit everyone and their various car-seats (... yes, a van!  ahh!)  AND- that for a little over a month- I will have 2 children under 2!  Scary.

But, we're excited.  It was hard to keep this a secret-- because I've known since I was 4 weeks along!

Vloggin' Because I'm Glued to The Couch

I'm making up words (defleated)- talking about Mom-stuff, DirtyChai & Miley!  Great screencap, yeah?

Also:
DRINK EVERY TIME I SAY "like"  ugghhh -- I really do say it that often in person, I promise.

Change- You Sweet Lil' Thing, You!

How in the world is it Friday already?  I am continually blown away by how fast weeks seem to go by.  Yet, I can say that while in one aspect, the time flies, in another, it's as if the clock is at a standstill.

It looks as if the season of change is upon the DuPont household.

We're *still* waiting on huge news : We're moving.  WE JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN and it's quite nerve-wracking!  By Tuesday, at the latest, the when/why/how will finally be revealed.  PRAY FOR OUR PEACE OF MIND this weekend!  Garrett and I have both been so preoccupied mentally with all of this business.  (It will be so nice to finally come out and SAY what's been going on!  Next week I can stop being so cryptic!)

My daughter has officially survived (and thoroughly enjoyed) her first week of Kindergarten.  She even insists on riding the school bus to and from school each day, which means she's gone for 8 hours!  I shouldn't be surprised that she's a strong, independent girl considering she's my child-- but, the Mom-part of me/who I am, misses my baby girl... and I know the independent side will become more and more apparent with each passing year.  I find myself watching old videos and looking at pictures of my first born, wondering where did the time go?



What happened to my baby!?  She's all grown up!

I had one of my random I NEED TO CHANGE HOW I LOOK moments and cut thick fringe bangs..

 -_- YIKES!  I'm getting used to it- but I did not consider how drastically my look would be altered before I took the scissors to my hair.  But.....  it IS just hair.  And, 90% of the time, the only people I see are Garrett and the kids-- who all could care less what I look like!

In the last year, my heart and mind have gone through many changes.  Now I've got a new-do,  a daughter in Kindergarten, a son who is walking, a husband with a new job, living in a new state, an ePub about to launch, and a novel just about ready for querying.  Azia DuPont (bangs and all) is ready for whatever is in store in this ever-changing life we lead!

Vlog- My Son is Kind of Grossing Me Out

Life is pretty glamorous when you're a mom.  What can I say?